Harry Potter, Broadway Style!
by azriona
Summary: A series of Parodies of Broadway Musicals. Get ready to laugh, cry, and most importantly - sing along! You'll never be able to watch these plays with a straight face again.
1. South Pacific

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Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. 

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Summary: Draco Malfoy finds love in a bathroom, and Dennis Creevey finds love in an even more unexpected place. Can our two heroes find a way to live with their true loves, or will fate break them apart? 

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Musical Links: 

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South Pacific

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Act One, Scene One

(The Ghosts of Hogwarts float down a deserted hallway.)

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Ghosts (singing to the tune of "Bloody Mary"):

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Moanin' Myrtle is the ghost we love!

Moanin' Myrtle is the ghost we love!

Moanin' Myrtle is the ghost we love!

Now ain't that too darn bad!

(The Ghosts float away as Draco Malfoy enters the stage.)

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Draco (singing to the tune of "This Nearly was Mine"):

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One ghost in my heart

One ghost who I'm living for

She's all that I want to know

She truly is mine.

One girl who'll I spend

My life and my loving on

Though she's sort of dead,

She truly is mine.

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Myrtle: Draco! Darling, I thought you'd never arrive.

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Draco: I couldn't last a day without seeing you. I'm skipping Potions right now, which is very much out of character as I love Potions better than anything – except you, my ghosty girl!

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Myrtle: You almost make me happy, Draco! The only thing that could possibly make me happier is if Olive Hornby were eaten alive by a raging hippogriff.

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Draco: I can arrange that.

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Myrtle: Oh, darling!

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Scene Two

(Dumbledore's office.)

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Snape: These romances are highly irregular, Headmaster.

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Dumbledore: Love is hardly irregular in any case, Severus.

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Snape: Albus, Malfoy is in love with a ghost and Dennis Creevey is in love with the Giant Squid.

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Dumbledore: While I admit that both of those relationships pose their own particular problems, I fail to see why we must discourage them.

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Snape: !!!!!

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Dumbledore: Besides, need I remind you that you had a fairly intense relationship with the Whomping Willow some years back.

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Snape: That's different! I was young! And heavily bruised!

Dumbledore: I know it's difficult when you heart is broken, Severus, but you can't expect all loving to cease because your own relationship didn't work out.

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Snape: Well, why the hell not!

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Dumbledore: Perhaps we should talk to these star-crossed lovers about their romances.

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Snape: Oh, you just want an excuse for another musical interlude.

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Scene Three

(Draco, Dennis, Myrtle and the Giant Squid have joined Dumbledore in his office.)

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Dumbledore: Boys – 

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Myrtle: And me!

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Dumbledore: Of course, Myrtle, and you – we are a little bit concerned about your romances. 

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Draco: My love for Myrtle is very real, Headmaster!

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Dumbledore: Of course it is. But I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly how you four fell in love in the first place?

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Draco (singing to the tune of "Some Enchanted Evening"):

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Some enchanted evening, when I first saw Myrtle

My luminescent Myrtle, crying in her stall.

I reached out my hand, she stopped her tears

And I felt more alive than I had in years.

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Myrtle (singing):

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Some enchanted evening, I was lonelier than ever

My loneliness knew no end, until he came

And caressed my cheek, and told me he cared

When I'm with him I'm never so scared.

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Dennis (singing):

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Some enchanted evening, the stars shone in the heavens

And I leaned over too far and fell into the lake

He lifted me out and dried out my hair

He kept my heart in his watery wet lair.

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Squid (singing):

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Glurble glurble glurble, glurble glurble glurble.

Glug glub glurble glug glug, blub gur glur blug.

Blug glurble blug blub, glurble glug gug

Glurble glug glug blub glub blub gluble gloo!

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Dumbledore: Huh. Well, I guess I can't argue with that.

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Draco: We knew you'd see it our way.

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Dumbledore: Well, I guess the only thing left to do is tell your parents …

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Draco: Uh-oh.

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Scene Four

(Myrtle's bathroom)

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Draco (singing to the tune of "Bali Ha'i"):

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Her bathroom, it calls me 

There I'd spend ev'ry day

In her arms is where you'd find me

Flush away, flush away

In our own special stall

We while away the time

Watch the mold grow

Her arms wrapped in mine!

She's my heart, she's my being

And though it causes me much pain

I must go and seek a new love

Pull the chain, pull the chain.

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Draco: Myrtle, we have to break up.

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Myrtle: What? But I thought we loved each other! And Dumbledore said it was okay!

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Draco: Yeah, I know, but my dad would totally hate me living with a ghost.

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Myrtle: What's he got against ghosts?

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Draco: Well, there's the little matter of procreation. We Malfoys are kind of big on that.

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Myrtle: We can adopt!

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Draco: Um, no. 

(He leaves)

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Myrtle: That ferret! I thought he loved me! Well, that does it – 

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Myrtle (singing to the tune of "I'm Gonna Wash that Man Right Outta My Hair"):

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I'm gonna wash that Malfoy outta my hair

I'm gonna wash that Malfoy outta my hair

I'm gonna wash that Malfoy outta my hair

And send him on his way!

He tried to break my heart

Ripped it up, flushed it down

Olive Hornby's just a start

He's done for, that snakey clown

I'll get him, and then he'll see

He's doomed!

If a Malfoy tries to hurt me, he's got to think again

Nothing to lose, I'm already dead, I'm gonna stake that Malfoy's head!

I'll hurt that git right where it counts, he'll know what he's lost then.

I went and washed that Malfoy outta my hair

I went and washed that Malfoy outta my hair

I went and washed that Malfoy outta my hair

And sent him on his way!!!!

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The Grey Lady: You go girl!

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Act Two, Scene One

(Outside Myrtle's bathroom)

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Goyle: Draco's not happy.

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Crabbe: He's very unhappy.

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Goyle: We should make him happy.

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Crabbe: How can we make him happy?

(Draco and Dennis enter)

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Draco: Sigh! I hate going to Potions now. It reminds me of when I'd skip and spend time with Myrtle instead.

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Dennis: I love everyone and everything, because me and my squid are the happiest couple in the world! La!

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Draco: Oh, I'm so wretched!

(Draco leaves, looking even more unhappy)

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Goyle: That kid is making Draco unhappier.

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Crabbe: Let's get rid of him.

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Goyle: Hey, Colin!

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Dennis: I'm Dennis. Colin is my older brother.

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Goyle: Whatever. Listen, I have a message from the squid for you. He said to go down the toilet and he'd meet you at the other end.

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Dennis: Really? Thanks!

(Dennis goes into Myrtle's bathroom. He climbs into a toilet.)

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Myrtle: What are you doing?

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Dennis: I'm going to hop down the toilet, because my love the squid will meet me at the other end.

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Myrtle: You're loony.

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Dennis: I'm in love!

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Dennis (singing to the tune of "Honey Bun"):

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Lift the lid, here's a quid

I'm in love with that big squid!

I'm going through the pipes to see him now

His home is set where it's wet

In fact that is how we met

He lifted me up into the boat's bow

His arms are green and scale-y

His body's a bit whale-y

His eyes are blue, his heart is true

I love to stroke his tail-ey!

You say it's wrong, I say it's right

He's where I want to be tonight!

So gimme those goggles and drop that lid

I'm off to play with my big love the squid!

(Dennis flushes the toilet and goes spinning down.)

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Scene Two

(By the side of the lake. Draco enters.)

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Draco: Oh, the only happiness I have now is looking upon this cold winter scene, watching the waves lap to and fro … to and fro … oh, that I have given up my one true love for my father!

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Squid: Blurb!

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Draco: What was that you said, Giant Squid? You say that you've just found your lover, Dennis Creevey, on the bottom of the lake after he tried to go through the plumbing in order to meet you by your great big squid castle? 

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Squid: Glurgle!

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Draco: And now he's dead and you can't be together any longer? That's so sad!

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Squid: Glog!

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Draco: That's right! You may be separated from your love in death, but I can't be – my love is already dead! What luck! I am going to do something completely out of character now, and have a change of heart!

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Scene Three

(Myrtle's bathroom.)

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Draco: Myrtle! I have changed my evil ways and come back to you!

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Myrtle: Draco! My love!

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Draco: Who cares about procreation! Being with you means I can never be separated from you, even in death! I love you!

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Myrtle: And I love you!

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Draco & Myrtle (singing to the tune of "Bali Ha'i"):

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In our own special stall, we while away the time

Watching mold grow, your arms wrapped in mine!

You're my heart, you're my being

Until death, we shall be, with each other, forever

You and me, you and me!

(And the curtain, thankfully, falls.)


	2. Sound of Music

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Disclaimers: Naturally, none of the Harry Potter characters belong to me. The original music and lyrics to Sound of Music (which are parodied here) are by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein.

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Summary: Neville Longbottom has a secret love ... and it's Severus Snape! But does Snape feel the same about Neville? And exactly how do they convey their feelings through song anyway? A parody of Rodgers' & Hammerstein's musical "The Sound of Music"

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A/N: Special thanks to Leaf and Tall Oaks for beta-ing this for me. I apologize for not including a link to hear the original Sound of Music. I couldn't find a good one, but you can try amazon.com and listen to bits of the soundtrack there.

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Sound of Music

Act One, Scene One

(Gryffindor Common room. Hermione, Harry and Ron stand center stage, bopping in time to the music.)

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Hermione, Harry & Ron: (singing to "The Lonely Goatherd")

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Here is a tale of a lonely Neville

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Long hee-hoo.)

He had a secret love in which he did oft revel

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Long oh yeah.)

He tried many ways to get this man's notice

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Long hee-hoo.)

Or at least that is what the Neville told us

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Hey!)

Oh, oh, Severus is a scape-goat,

Oh, oh, Severus is a Snape.

Oh, oh, Severus is a scape-goat,

Severus is a Snape-goat Snape!

(Neville enters the common room.)

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Neville: It's time for Potions, my all time favorite class!

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Hermione: Neville, you're horrible in Potions.

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Harry: Yeah, when Snape isn't picking on me, he's picking on you instead.

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Neville: That's just because he doesn't understand that the two of us are destined to be together. He really is a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man, and no one understands him quite like I do.

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Ron: You're loony.

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Scene Two

(The Potions classroom. Snape is sitting at the Head Table, glaring at the students. Neville is feverishly stirring his cauldron.)

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Neville: (singing to "Edelweiss")

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Severus, Severus

He's the Potions Master

Tall and thin, what a chin

I need you here much faster!

I'll add more boomslang until you say

Neville, that's detention.

Severus, Severus

I want to get your attention!

(Neville's cauldron explodes.)

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Snape: Neville Longbottom! That's the tenth cauldron you've destroyed today! See me after class!

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Neville: Yippee!

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Snape: Wait, you're not supposed to be happy about that. I'm evil and scary!

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Neville: Professor Snape, I cannot keep it a secret any longer – I'm in love with you!

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Snape: Excuse me?

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Neville: I've been in love with you since the day we met. I've been screwing up in Potions just to spend some time with you**. **My heart burns with passion for you. You are my destiny! Madame Trelawney has seen it in the stars. We are meant to be together** – **forever!

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Snape: You're loony.

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Ron: Damn! I hate it when Snape and I agree on something!

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Neville: Say you can love me in return, Sevvie, and I'll be happy forever!

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Snape: (singing to "Sixteen Going on Seventeen")

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You're a student, I'm a teacher

There's nothing left to say

You're a bit dim, your love's a whim

I can't love you that way.

I don't know why you should love me

I think you're quite the fool.

Say nothing of 20 years difference

You're still attending school.

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Neville: Oh, but Sevvie!

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Snape: And don't call me Sevvie! Gah!

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Neville: Oh, Sevvie!

(He throws himself at Snape, holding onto Snape's legs and not letting go. Snape hobbles from the room.)

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Hermione: I need a drink.

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Scene Three

(Snape's laboratory)

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Neville: Oh, Sevvie, my love, are you mixing a potion so you can love me as much as I love you?

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Snape: No, you twit, I'm mixing a potion so you'll stop loving me!

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Neville: But Sevvie!

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Snape: And quit calling me Sevvie!

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Snape: (singing to "Do-Re-Mi")

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First, a weed, a mandrake weed

Then, a drop of phoenix tear!

Next, boomslang, a tiny bit

Last, what's in this bottle here!

And so, here is the magic brew

That will rid myself of you

At last, this love affair is through!

And now you have to drink!

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Neville: (singing)

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No, I won't, I tell you true

Sev, it's only you for me!

Since that day you made me cry

You have been my cup of tea.

I won't drink that nasty stuff

Fine, get in a Snape-y huff!

It's you I will always love!

That's all I have to say.

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Snape: Dammit.

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Neville: So it's true, then, you don't love me?

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Snape: Not a bit.

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Neville: Oh, woe is me! I shall run away and never come back to you!

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Snape: Excellent. You'll be out of my hair then.

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Scene Four

(The Forbidden Forest)

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Neville: Oh, it's so scary here in the Forest. How I wish my Sevvie was here to protect me.

(Two Death Eaters jump out of the trees.)

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Death Eater #1: Aha! It's a young student from the school! Let's kidnap him and take him to our leader!

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Death Eater #2: I was _just_ going to say that!

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Neville: Eep!

(The Death Eaters grab Neville and carry him off stage.)

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Act Two, Scene One

(Dumbledore's Office)

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Dumbledore: I just got word that one of our students has been kidnapped.

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McGonagall: Well, damn. I told Harry not to go sneaking off to Hogsmeade, but does he listen? Noooooooooo.

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Dumbledore: Actually, the student is Neville Longbottom.

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Snape: Whew! Solves my problem!

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Dumbledore: Well, Severus, I was going to ask you – 

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Snape: No! I won't go rescue that brat, he can very well rot!

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Dumbledore: Now, Sev, don't let a little innocent crush stop you.

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Snape: Innocent? _You_ didn't see what that boy put in my underwear drawer!

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Dumbledore: All the same, Severus. I haven't had a good musical interlude in this parody yet, and I was hoping –

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Snape: I'm going, I'm going.

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Scene Two

(Voldemort's lair)

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Voldemort: Hurrah! A new recruit!

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Death Eater #1: Actually, sir, it's a hostage.

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Voldemort: Sheesh. Well, did you at least get the dry cleaning?

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Death Eater #2: Erm…

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Voldemort: Do I have to do everything myself? 

(He _Avada Kedavra's_ the two Death Eaters.)

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Neville: Eep.

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Voldemort: Well, I'll recruit you anyway. How do you feel about roaming across the countryside, terrorizing Muggles and generally creating some sort of havoc?

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Neville: Eep.

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Voldemort: Man of few words. I like that. Want to hear my grand plan?

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Neville: Eep.

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Voldemort: Good answer.

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Voldemort: (singing to "Climb Ev'ry Mountain")

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Find ev'ry Muggle

Make each one pay

For the pain they caused me

Each and ev'ry day.

A pain I have had

For near 60 years

Not a day that goes by

I forget my tears!

One dream sustains me

Someday I'll see

A Muggle-free England

From Wales to Chelsea.

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Neville: Eep.

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Voldemort: You're getting rather boring. Ah well, I'll just have to find some new recruits on my own. _Avada _–

(Snape runs in)

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Snape: Wait! Don't! 

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Voldemort: Severus! You never write, you never call!

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Snape: Damn students kept unplugging the phone, Master. 

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Voldemort: Why do you keep working there, then?

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Snape: It's a job.

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Voldemort: Well, you can help me kill this kid I found.

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Snape: Why do you want to kill him? He's rather useful.

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Voldemort: All he says is "Eep."

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Neville: Eep.

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Voldemort: You see? What use could he be?

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Snape: He's – uh – he's mine. I think he's rather – swell.

(Snape looks like he just swallowed twenty vomit flavored jelly beans.)

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Neville: Swell? You really think so, Sevvie?

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Voldemort: _Sevvie?_

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Snape: Err....

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Voldemort: I thought I was the only one who got to call you Sevvie!

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Snape: I don't _let_ him call me anything! You try to stop him!

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Neville: Sevvie? Are you cheating on me with the Dark Lord?

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Snape: To cheat on you, I'd have to go out with you. And that's not going to happen.

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Voldemort: Well, now I'm mad. You better cheer me up, Sevvie!

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Severus: I … uh … well ...

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Voldemort: Cheer me up, or I'll kill you both.

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Severus: In that case!

(Severus grabs Neville and they get up onto the miniature stage that has just popped out of nowhere. He looks out and sees Dumbledore now sitting next to Voldemort.)

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Severus: Albus? What are you doing here?

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Dumbledore: Musical interlude. Tommy said I could stay until it was over.

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Severus: Riiiiiiiiiiight. Maestro, please!

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Severus & Neville: (singing to "How do you Solve a Problem like Maria?")

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How do you solve a problem like the dark lord?

How do you make him happy when he's sad?

How do you go on always killing Muggles

When you're tired and hungry and rather be in bed?

There's always a problem when you're with the Dark Lord

He's always another task for you to do

Like going to find a treat

Or rubbing his bony feet

Seeing if the maids have recently cleaned the loo!

Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Dark Lord?

How do you cheer him up when he is blue?

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Snape: Excellent, he's asleep.

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Neville: Actually, I think we killed him from the sheer stupidity and sappiness of the song.

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Snape: Whatever. Let's get out of here.

(Snape grabs Neville by the scruff of the neck and drags him out of the lair.)

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Scene Three

(Snape and Neville are climbing a mountain range.)

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Neville: So you're saying that you'll never love me like I love you?

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Snape: Yeah, that's basically the gist of it.

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Neville: Well, sucks to be me. Who am I going to lust after now?

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Snape: That Weasley boy has a nice butt, I think.

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Neville: Excellent!

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)


	3. Grease

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Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The original music and lyrics to "Grease" were written by Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey.

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Summary: When Sirius' attempt to meddle in Remus' and Severus' love-affair goes awry, he decides its high time he drop out of Hogwarts. A parody of Jim Jacobs' and Warren Casey's musical "Grease."

  
**A/N:** As always, huge thanks to Leaf and Tall Oaks, who beta-ed this for me. A gigantic hug especially to Leaf, who put up with me being a bit of a prima donna the night this was sent in. Special thanks to my many reviewers - your comments and suggestions are heartily appreciated. To listen to the original songs, click here. Oh - so I'm looking for a good link to listen to "Grease" and I found a very funny "What Musical are You" quiz. You must take this. I am Phantom of the Opera. Perhaps this is how we decide which musical is next?

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Grease

Act One, Scene One

(The stables at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Four boys enter.)

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Sirius: It's the best birthday present ever - wait until you see it!

(He leads the other boys up to a dilapidated old motorbike.

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Sirius: Isn't it beautiful?

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James: Padfoot, it's a wreck.

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Sirius: I'm gonna fix it up and make it fly.

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Peter: Motorcycles don't fly!

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Sirius: Mine will. Think about it - total chick magnet!

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Sirius: (singing to "Greased Lightin')

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I'll go flying through the night

And buzz Muggle towns oh yeah

Spin 'round the Tower of London

And nick the Queen's crown oh yeah

It's just my bike and me

All the girls will want to see

My bike'll put them in a trance

They'll all want inside my pants

My motorcycle!

(Remus, James and Peter start imitating dance moves.)

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The Other Marauders (singing backup):

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Gogogogogogogogo,

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Sirius:

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My motorcycle, it's my pride and joy oh yeah

My motorcycle, it gets me girls and boys oh yeah

I'm the best!

Who needs the rest!

My motorcycle! 

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Remus: You're a nutcase.

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Sirius: No, I'm totally serious. 

(All groan.)

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James: I fail to see how having a flying motorbike is going to get you girls.

(Several Hogwarts girls walk across the stage.)

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Sirius: Watch! Hey, girls! Wanna ride on my motorbike?

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Girls: Ooooo, Sirius Black! We love you and your motorcycle!

(The girls throw themselves at Sirius, who wags his eyebrows at the other guys.)

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Peter: Oh good lord.

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James: Well, now that he mentions it, that motorcycle _does_ make him look kind of hot ...

(Remus slaps James.)

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James: Thanks. I needed that.

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Scene Two

(Hogwarts Lawn)

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Remus: I'm so glad we got over that Gryffindor versus Slytherin thing. It was really getting to be a drag.

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Severus: Yeah, I'm much happier being in love with you, despite the fact that me being in any sort of soupy-doopy love is completely wrong for the personality that my creator has given me.

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Remus: Aw, Sevvie! You say the sweetest things!

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Severus (singing to "Summer Loving")

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Gryffindors make the best mates

They've got all sorts of good traits

My guy's the best, he is so smart

He swooped right in, and stole my heart!

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Remus:

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Slytherins are self-assured

They know great romantic words

Your sweet talk makes my heart melt

Your hair's the slimiest I've ever felt.

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Severus & Remus:

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All the houses have real great guys

But oh, you're the one in my eye!

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Remus: Uh-oh, it's getting late. I have to go.

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Severus: But, Remmie, it's a full moon tonight! I thought we could go tiptoeing through the tulips!

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Remus: Maybe tomorrow.

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Scene Three

(Great Hall. Severus gives a withering sigh, looking longingly at the Gryffindor table, from which Remus is notably absent. Sirius Black approaches the Slytherin table. Just about every female student in Hogwarts is hanging on to him, and several of the teachers look mighty tempted.)

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Severus: I miss my boy.

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Sirius: Gag. A love-sick Snape! If that isn't enough to make you lose your lunch, I don't know what is.

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Severus: Shut it, Black. You have no idea how I feel.

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Sirius: Sure I do. Me and my bike are separated every day. Dumbledore won't let me keep it in the castle. You're only separated from Remus once a month.

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Severus: You and your bike! One might think you and that bike share an improper relationship, Black.

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Sirius: Why you - how dare you suggest that I'd molest my bike in that manner? You're so love-sick for your boyfriend, why don't you check out the Whomping Willow after moonrise tonight?

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Severus: That's where he goes? Good! I can surprise him with a picnic!

(Severus leaves the Great Hall. James walks up to Sirius.)

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James: What did you tell him?

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Sirius: Er, nothing?

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James: Are you stupid? If Severus walks into the Shrieking Shack, he'll be bitten - and if Remus bites him, he'll be expelled! You idiot!

(James runs off after Severus.)

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Peter: Dumbledore is gonna be _so_ pissed at you.

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Sirius: What do I need Dumbledore for? I got a bike, I got girls - I don't need anyone! This is my chance to leave here and pursue my dream of being an International Gigolo!

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Peter: What about school?

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Sirius: What about it? Who needs school when you have babes!

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Sirius (singing to "Look at Me I'm Sandra Dee")

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Look at me, I'm Sirius

I ain't taking no Knight Bus

The chicks all want my

Smooth loving; they sigh

Oh wow, there's Sirius!

I can curse, I can hex

Hickeys on those girls' necks

They'll want to shag me all day

International fame

Chicks calling my name

No school can stand in my way!

Hogwarts, now you're history

There's more in London for me

I'm gonna go

London's swinging scene - ho!

Goodbye, Ol' Hogwarts!

(Sirius leaves the stage.)

****

Peter: That dummy, he didn't even get the last line to rhyme.

****

Act Two, Scene One

(The Infirmary)

****

Peter: So here's what's been happening while you've been ill, Remus. Sirius told Severus how to get past the Whomping Willow, and Severus is a bit shaken up that you're a werewolf and didn't tell him. Meanwhile, Sirius has dropped out of Hogwarts and is going to try his hand at being an International Gigolo.

****

Remus: That idiot.

****

Peter: You mean Sirius or Severus?

****

Remus: Both! Sirius to think he can make it as a gigolo, and Severus for not knowing I'm a werewolf already. I mean, how many times can I tell him I'm allergic to silver?

****

Peter: Oh. Well, I tried to talk to him, but he's really upset and doesn't want to talk to you right now.

****

Remus: Well, I guess I'll just have to give him time to think about it. Maybe he'll realize that I wouldn't have hurt him. Hopefully, then, he'll start thinking, and come up with some fabulous potion that will let me keep my head when I change into a wolf. Maybe that potion will allow me to re-enter society as a functional human being who has a slight disciplinary problem once a month, so I can follow my own dream of being a Hogwarts professor. That way I could start teaching underage wizards incredibly complex spells like the Patronus Charm that in no way should they be able to perform, even though they think they already do because of some weird time-anomaly stuff, thereby saving not only themselves but their friends and godfathers.

****

Peter: Um, right. I'm going away now. You all scare me.

__ ****

Scene Two

(London street)

****

Sirius: Oh, London sucks. I checked all the papers, and no one is hiring International Gigolos. I've gotten six parking tickets for the bike, and I've run out of petrol anyway so I can't drive it. And to top it off, I'm starving. Well, since no one seems to give me food as a human, I guess I'll try my luck as a dog.

(Sirius changes into his Animagi form. Almost immediately, a dog-catcher springs out of nowhere and tosses a huge net over him.

****

Dog Catcher: Gotcha!

****

Sirius: Woof.

(Which means "Oh Shit" in dog language.)

__ ****

Scene Three

(The Dog Pound. Sirius the dog sits in a cage, surrounded by puppies. Several dog-catchers walk through.)

****

Dog Catcher #1: And we caught that big black one today. We're going to neuter him in the morning.

****

Dog Catcher #2: Excellent!

(They leave, and Sirius morphs back into a human.)

****

Sirius: Well, this just bites.

(Suddenly, a spotlight shines on Sirius, and he looks up. A form descends from the heavens, his back to the audience.)

****

Sirius: Who are you?

****

The Form: Your guardian wizard, you moron.

(The Form turns around.)

****

Sirius: You're - you're _Filch_.

****

Filch: Yes, and your stupid plans to be an International Gigolo have totally ruined my plans to mop the Great Hall this afternoon. So shut it, and let's get this over with.

(Dumbledore enters, sets down a chair, and makes himself comfortable.)

****

Sirius: Headmaster, sir? What are you doing here?

****

Dumbledore: It's a musical interlude. I love musical interludes. I'm going to disappear once the song is done because my presence is completely superfluous to the story-line.

****

Sirius: What, there's a story-line?

****

Filch: (singing to "Beauty School Dropout")

__

It's a story I've seen told

Since the olden days of old

The one who wasn't as good as he thought.

The world ain't easy on your own

You're cold and hungry and alone

And the vet wants to put you on the chopping block!

Magic School Dropout

No levitation charms for you

Magic School Dropout

They came and snapped your wand in two!

Your fine robes are all ripped and torn

You're stuck here at the pound

Your charms won't get you anywhere

'Less the guards would like a hound!

Siri, don't worry

The Muggle world is not for you

Siri, you know that

There's a place cut out for you

You've seen the light

You know what's right

I'm off to leave you here

Neutering's better than detention any year.

Magic School Dropout ...go back to Hogwarts

Magic School Dropout ...go back to Hogwarts

(Filch flies away again. One of the dog-catchers walks in.)

****

Dog Catcher: Hey, there's a guy in the cage with all those dogs!

****

Sirius: Hi.

****

Dog Catcher: How'd you get in there?

****

Sirius: Animal magnetism.

__ ****

Scene Four

(Hogwarts Stables)

****

Remus: Severus! Wait! I want to talk to you.

****

Severus: Fine. Talk.

****

Remus: Listen, I'm sorry I never told you that I'm a werewolf. I wasn't sure if you'd still love me.

****

Severus: You obviously don't trust me either with your secret or your heart. It's over between us.

****

Remus: No! Oh, Sev, you just don't get it, do you?

****

Remus: (singing to "There are Worse Things I could Do")

__

There are worse things I could do

Then bite a student ... or two!

Being a werewolf ain't so bad

Sure, it's lonesome and it's sad

But that's no cause to bite you

That's the worst thing I could do.

I could tell Peter and James

That you like those kinky games

Where it's only you and me

And perhaps some MTV

Some Real Sex Ten sure sounds nice

But bite you? That isn't nice.

****

Severus:

__

I never once thought you would try

To make me a werewolf guy

I've put my trust into your hands

Real Sex sounds mighty grand

There's a telly over there

Let's settle down, my love bear.

****

Remus: So I'm forgiven?

****

Severus: Sure. You were never in trouble anyway, I just wanted someone to sing to me for once.

****

Remus: Awwwww....

(Sirius enters the stables, along with his motorbike)

****

Remus: Sirius! You're back!

****

Sirius: Yeah, London wasn't what I thought it would be.

****

Severus: I'm sorry I insinuated that you and your bike have an improper relationship, Black. I was just lonesome because my Remmie was having his time of the month.

****

Sirius: That's all right.

(Peter & James enter.)

****

James: Yea! Everyone's back, and everyone made up. We can go back to our happy-go-lucky Maraudering selves.

****

Severus: I refuse to be happy or go-lucky. I do have a reputation to maintain.

****

James: Party-pooper.

****

James (singing to "We Go Together"):

__

We go together like

Wingardium Leviosa, Expelliarmus!

Marauders Forever, like

Expecto Patronus, Veritaserum

Wolfsbane and Monkshood

Are the same thing .... like us, yeah!

(Peter points his wand at James.)

****

Peter: Stupefy!

****

Severus: Thank Merlin someone did that.

****

Sirius: Good ol' Petey, he's useful after all!

****

Severus (singing to "Summer Loving"):

__

Werewolf loving, it's sure the best.

Fur's a-flying, boy what a mess.

He's all I want, he's all I need

If I'm a cat, he's got me treed!

****

Sirius:

__

Hogwarts School, here's where I'll stay

Until they boot me on Leaving Day

The world is scary, this now I know

And this is the end of our show

****

Peter, Sirius, Severus and Remus:

__

Don't you think our show was great?

Oh yeah ... and obliviate!

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)


	4. Guys and Dolls

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Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The original music and lyrics to Guys and Dolls were written by Frank Loesser.

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Summary: Hogwarts, 50 years ago. Tom Riddle and Rubeus Hagrid are on missions to find pets, and Olive Hornby and Myrtle Brown are on a mission to find boyfriends. Link to music included!  


****

A/N: Installment Four of the Broadway Series. I looked and looked and was only able to find this link for Midi files. As always, thanks to my wonderful beta Leaf, who supplied the marvelous reference of Hagrid's Diary, and my other betas Tall Oaks and co-worker Deborah. A special thanks goes to reviewer Nina-na, who said if I didn't do Guys & Dolls next, she would come after me with a sword. I would not suggest using this threat in the future, however, as I'm in a self-defense class now and can break your wrist. *smiles sweetly* 

****

Guys and Dolls

Act One, Scene One

(Entrance Hall at Hogwarts, 50 years ago. Olive Hornby and her classmate Myrtle Brown pull each other on stage.)

****

Olive: Come on, Myrtle, you have to say something to him! It's not every day that the cutest prefect in the school saves your life!

****

Myrtle: But Olive, Tom Riddle doesn't even know my name! He might have saved me from drowning in the lake last week, but I don't think he sees me as anything but a silly Hufflepuff one year behind him.

****

Olive: Nonsense! You should have seen the way he worried about you afterwards.

****

Myrtle: Really?

****

Olive: Yup.

****

Myrtle: Well, I don't see you going after your guy - Ruben?

****

Olive: Rubeus. And we're not talking about me, we're talking about you.

****

Myrtle: Why should I talk to Tom Riddle when you won't even talk to Rubeus Hagrid?

****

Olive: Because Hagrid won't want to talk to me. I'm just little Olive Hornby. At least Tom Riddle saved your life!

****

Myrtle: Why you like Rubeus Hagrid is beyond me.

****

Olive: He's just so big and strong and ... dreamy!

****

Myrtle: Well, I won't talk to Tom unless you talk to Hagrid. 

****

Olive: Okay, then! It's a deal!

****

Myrtle (singing to "Marry the Man Today"):

__

Talk to the boy today

No matter how scared you are

Give chase if he runs away

He can't run very far!

****

Myrtle & Olive (singing):

__

Talk to the boy today

Don't let him walk right by you!

Talk to the boy today and don't let him ignore you!

****

Olive (singing):

__

Talk to the boy today

It won't be quite so bad

He might even talk to you

What a conversation you'll have!

****

Myrtle & Olive (singing):

__

Talk to the boy today

Pick up your courage and try it

Just one little word and then you'll have survived it!

****

Olive: That's it then! The first boy who walks in here, we'll talk to him!

****

Myrtle: Excellent, because here comes Hagrid now.

****

Olive: Oh, God! Hide me!

(Olive jumps behind Myrtle as Hagrid enters.)

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Hagrid: Hullo Myrtle. 

****

Myrtle: Hi, Hagrid. Watcha got in your pocket?

****

Hagrid: Er, nothin'.

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Myrtle: Is it a spider?

****

Hagrid: No. No. Course not. Why would I have a great big man:eating spider in my coat pocket?

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Myrtle: I didn't say it was a great big one.

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Hagrid: Oh. Yeah, then, want ter see it?

****

Myrtle: No, that's all right. I think Olive wanted to say something to you.

****

Hagrid: Oh, hullo, Olive. Didn' see you standin' behind Myrtle like that, on account of you bein' a solid person and not a ghost or nuthin'.

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Olive: Eep.

(Myrtle kicks her.)

****

Olive: Want a Butterbeer?

****

Hagrid: Sure!

(They walk off.)

****

Myrtle: Well, then, I guess it's my turn.

****

Scene Two

(Outside the Girls Bathroom)

****

Tom: Drat that Hagrid! I sent him off to kill those chickens, and he still hasn't come back to help me find the Chamber of Secrets!

(Myrtle enters.)

****

Tom: Myrtle!

****

Myrtle: Tom! You ... you know my name.

****

Tom: Of course I do. I saved your life last week. Listen, I have a question for you.

****

Myrtle: You do?!

****

Tom: Yeah. Have you seen Rubeus Hagrid?

****

Myrtle (disappointed): Hagrid?

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Tom: Yeah, Gryffindor Third Year, big kid, five o'clock shadow. 

****

Myrtle: Oh. He went to Hogsmeade to have a Butterbeer with Olive Hornby.

****

Tom: Oh. 

****

Myrtle: Maybe ... I could help?

****

Tom: No ... no. Maybe another time.

****

Myrtle: Oh. All right.

(She leaves, sadly kicking a pebble as she goes.) 

****

Tom (singing to "If I Were a Bell"):

__

Ask me what it is like

When I see her walk into a room

Oh boy, there's no way to

Describe how my heart goes boom!

Since the moment I saved her life

I've let go of my crazy plan

Who cares about causing strife

Or trying to rule the land?

Ask me what I would do

If she were to return my affections

Oh boy, all I can say

Is there'd be no more need for detentions

I'd be the happiest Tom around, that you would plainly see

If only my girl could love me, just me just me!

(Hagrid enters.)

****

Tom: How was the Butterbeer, Romeo?

****

Hagrid: Excellent! Olive Hornby is a real swell girl.

****

Tom: How lucky for you to have found love. Me, I'm still looking for my Basilisk.

****

Hagrid: Oh, right. Forgot about that.

****

Tom: You did agree to help me, if I let you take it on walks now and then.

****

Hagrid: Yeah ... how's the search goin'?

****

Tom: It'd be going better if you weren't mooning over Olive Hornby and were killing those chickens like I asked you to!

****

Hagrid: Well, Olive's a bit distractin', y'know!

****

Tom: Don't I.

****

Hagrid (singing to "A Bushel and a Peck"):

__

I love her

More than a Hippogriff

More than a Basilisk

And lots more than 'rithmetic  
_Lots more than 'rithmetic_

And I see her in my dreams

She's sweeter than she seems

And I talk too much in reams  
_Of Olive!_

Of Olive!

****

Tom (that sort of spoken-singing):

__

You're loony as the dickens

Would you just go kill the chickens?

****

Hagrid (singing):

__

And I love her

More than my Aragog

She's who I'd like to snog, for sure!

****

Tom (singing):

__

Loony:oony:oony

Loony:oony:oony

Loony:oony:oony:oo.

****

Hagrid: You'll understand one day how it is, when yer in love and nothin' else matters.

****

Tom: Don't you think I do already?

****

Hagrid: You're in love? Who's the girl?

****

Tom: Olive's friend Myrtle.

****

Hagrid: The girl you saved last week?

****

Tom: Yeah. She was here earlier, and I couldn't say more than two words to her. She makes me so nervous!

****

Hagrid: Just talk to her! I'm sure she can see past yer gloomy, dark exterior ter the sweet, sensitive boy I know yeh are inside!

****

Tom: Thanks. Just go away and kill the chickens for me, would you?

****

Hagrid: Sure. Hey, there's a bit o' loose rock here.

(Hagrid brushes away the loose rock. Suddenly, the wall opens up and reveals a secret passageway.)

****

Tom: Hey! You found the Chamber of Secrets!

****

Hagrid: Spiffy!

****

Tom: Listen, you have to go kill the chickens now, because otherwise they'll kill the Basilisk inside. 

****

Hagrid: Sure, I'll do tha' now.

(Hagrid leaves, and Tom jumps into the secret passageway.)

****

Scene Three

(Inside the Chamber of Secrets. Tom and the Basilisk both speak in Parseltongue, but luckily, this parody is close:captioned, and their words will appear in English.)

****

Tom: Basilisk! Yoo:hoo, Basilisk!

(The Basilisk slithers out of the Chamber. It's roughly the size of a small housecat.)

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Tom: Boy, you're kind of little.

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Basilisk: You go for a couple of centuries without food, and see how big you get.

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Tom: Cheeky fellow, aren't you?

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Basilisk: Whatever. And my name is Horace.

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Tom: Okay, then, Horace! Hi! I'm the Heir of Slytherin!

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Basilisk: Great! I've been waiting for a long time for you.

****

Tom: Really?

****

Basilisk: Yeah, my litter box is in desperate need of cleaning.

****

Tom: Ew.

****

Basilisk: When's lunch?

****

Tom (singing to "Luck be a Lady"):

__

They call you Basilisk

And now you work for me

We're gonna clean this school up

To how it ought to be.

We'll start with Muggle:borns

And then the Hufflepuffs

And maybe if we've got time

We'll get other useless fluff!

Bas, we're doing it now!

Bas, we're killing and how!

Bas, you're the best pet I could ever hope to have

Bas, go on, you take a bow!

****

Basilisk: Sure. But actually, killing isn't my favorite thing.

****

Tom: Really?

****

Basilisk: I actually moonlight as an advice columnist to the love:lorn.

****

Tom: You're kidding.

****

Basilisk: Nope. You got any love troubles?

****

Tom: Well ...

****

Basilisk: Come on. Tell Unkie Horace.

****

Tom: There's this girl that I like. But I don't know if I can be in love and still fulfill my plans for World Domination.

****

Basilisk: Yeah, that's a tough one. I know I have trouble with my desire to let everyone live and be happy, and my desire to chomp down Muggle:born girls. Sometimes, life is just one big paradox.

****

Tom: Yeah.

****

Basilisk: You could always give the love thing a shot, and if it doesn't work out - hey, world's not going anywhere.

****

Tom: That's a great idea! Thanks Horace!

****

Basilisk: Anytime!

****

Act Two, Scene One

(Entrance Hall, Hogwarts.)

****

Olive: So did you talk to Tom Riddle yet?

****

Myrtle:I tried to talk to Tom, but he snubbed me!

****

Olive: You have to try again.

****

Myrtle: Harder than it looks, Olive.

****

Hagrid: Hey, Olive! Come on, the Gryffindor Common Room is empty - I have something special to show you!

****

Olive: Wonderful!

(Olive and Hagrid exit.)

****

Myrtle (singing to "Adelaide's Lament"):

__

Ms Hornby says  
The average Hufflepuff girl  
Basically insecure,  
When faced with a boy she thinks is cute  
_Finds herself unable to speak_  
_And very unsure_  
_And thus will find herself suddenly mute._

In other words

Just from wanting to say hello to that special guy  
_A person might start to cry_  
_You can tell her it's a reaction to nerves and fear_  
_You can rehearse the words and steel your nerves_  
_But when he comes near_

She'll freeze in her spot and her nerves become shot

Her heart feels queer!  
_A person could likely die._

(Tom enters.)

****

Tom: Myrtle!

****

Myrtle: Tom! I ... I saw Hagrid, he's in the Gryffindor Common Room.

****

Tom: I'm not looking for Hagrid anymore, Myrtle. I wanted to find you.

****

Myrtle: Me?

****

Tom: Yes. I wanted to tell you something Myrtle - there's a girl I like - and I'm not sure she likes me back.

****

Myrtle: What girl couldn't like you, Tom? You're handsome, and brave ... any girl would be head over heels in love with you.

****

Tom: Do you really think so?

****

Myrtle: Of course. Why don't you just run off and tell her? I'm very happy for you. I'll go away and leave you alone and never bother you again.

****

Tom: No, Myrtle! The girl I was talking about is you!

****

Myrtle: Me? Oh ... Tom!

****

Tom: Can you feel the same way about me, Myrtle?

****

Myrtle: Oh, Tommy!

(The music swells, the film goes all fuzzy, birds start chirping, little deer go running through the woods. Eyes mist over in happy tears, and the entire student body lets out a contented sigh. In other words, they kiss.)

****

Tom (singing to "I Got the Horse"):

__

I got my girl you see

She says that she loves me

And I won't let her ever leave me

She's mine, so fine

Myrtle is my love divine

She's the one with whom I'll rhyme

She's mine, she's mine.

****

Myrtle (singing):

__

Tommy loves me now

And he's told me how

He's gonna keep me by his side (oh, wow!)

I'm his, I'm his

Love is better than show biz

He's gonna give me fifty kids

I'm his, I'm his.

****

Tom: Listen, Myrtle, I'll meet you here after dinner. I have to finish feeding my pet snake.

****

Myrtle: Sure, Tom! 

(Tom exits.)

****

Myrtle: Hurrah! I have finally found love again!

(She exits, humming their love duet.)

****

Scene Two

(Gryffindor Common Room.)

****

Olive: Oooh, Hagrid. It's so large and hairy!

****

Hagrid: Well, spiders like Aragog are large and hairy, y'know. He wouldn' hurt anyone, though.

****

Olive: That's good.

****

Hagrid: He's perfectly harmless. Jus' like Tom Riddle's pet snake.

****

Olive: Snake?

****

Hagrid: Sure. He's got a Basilisk he keeps in the secret chamber under the school.

****

Olive: But Hagrid! Basilisks are highly dangerous creatures! It says right here in Newt Scaramander's Guide to Fantastic Beasts that Basilisks feast on human flesh!

****

Hagrid: Nah ... not Horace!

****

Olive: Horace? You named a snake Horace?

****

Hagrid Sure. Someday, I'd like a three-headed dog named Fluffy, too.

****

Olive: You're weird, but I love you anyway. All the same, I don't think having a Basilisk as a pet sounds like a very good idea.

****

Hagrid: Whatever. Let's kiss.

****

Olive: Okay.

(They kiss, and it's a scary enough sight that we will move on to ... )

****

Scene Three

(Entrance Hall, Hogwarts. That evening, after dinner.)

****

Olive: Myrtle! I'm glad I found you. I found out something awful about Tom.

****

Myrtle: There isn't anything awful about Tom! He's not hiding any horrible secrets from the school, or plotting to take over the world!

****

Olive: No, but he's keeping a Basilisk as a pet.

****

Myrtle: You mean Horace?

****

Olive: Who on _earth_ names a snake _Horace_?

****

Myrtle: Tom didn't name him Horace - he came that way!

****

Olive: Whatever. Listen, I don't trust him. Anyone who keeps a pet snake can't be very safe, can he? Especially when that pet snake is known for eating human flesh!

****

Myrtle: You're just jealous because my man is smarter than yours! I heard that Hagrid set fire to the Potions Lab last week!

****

Olive: That was an accident!

****

Myrtle: Admit it, Olive! You only _wish_ you had Tom Riddle as your boyfriend!

****

Olive: If I wanted Tom Riddle, I could have him a lot easier than you, you four-eyed freak!

****

Myrtle: Oh!

(Myrtle runs off. Tom enters.)

****

Tom: Hullo, Olive. Have you seen Myrtle?

****

Olive: She was running for the girls' bathroom last I saw. 

****

Tom: I'll just go after her, then.

(Tom exits.)

****

Scene Four

(Girl's Bathroom. Myrtle is crying her eyes out in one of the stalls.)

****

Myrtle: Oh! How could I have ever trusted either of them?

****

Myrtle (singing a reprise to "Adalaide's Lament"):

__

You can tell her it's a reaction to nerves and fear  
_You can rehearse the words and steel your nerves_  
_But when he comes near_

She'll freeze in her spot and her nerves become shot

Her heart feels queer!  
_A person could likely die._

(A door opens, and Myrtle stops singing.)

****

Myrtle: Leave me alone! I don't want to be disturbed.

(Myrtle opens the door to her stall, and meets face to face with the Basilisk.)

****

Basilisk: Ooo, Muggle:born! Lunchtime!

****

Myrtle: Oh, damn.

(Myrtle dies. Tom enters the bathroom.)

****

Tom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

(Tom faints.)

****

Scene Five

(Dumbledore's office. Tom wakes up on one of the chairs.)

****

Tom: Where am I?

****

Dumbledore: My office.

****

Tom: This is the Headmaster's office. You're still the Transfiguration professor.

****

Dumbledore: A man can dream, can't he?

****

Tom: I fainted. Shouldn't I be in the Infirmary, or at least in my own common room?

****

Dumbledore: I haven't had my musical interlude yet, and you're due another song, so we figured it was best to just have you go at it here.

****

Tom: Riiiiiiight.

****

Dumbledore: Carry on, then.

****

Tom (singing to "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat"):

__

I dreamed last night that I found the secret chamber 

And there I found I could speak in Parseltongue  
_And so I hissed_  
_And it worked!_  
_I had found it!_  
_But then Myrtle had to sing that darn song!_

And that's when I think I knew  
_I knew my goose was cooked_

****

The Portaits of Former Headmasters: (singing)

__

That's when he think he knew  
_He knew his goose was cooked_

****

Tom: (singing)

__

And the snake went on a rampage  
_She was dead before she hit the floor_  
_I knew I knew I knew I knew_

I knew my goose was cooked.

****

Dumbledore: Great song!

****

Tom: Uh, right. I'm not in trouble?

****

Dumbledore: Not with a voice like that, you're not.

****

Tom: Oookay. I'm going to go take care of this now.

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Dumbledore: Okiedoke.

****

Scene Six

(Chamber of Secrets.)

****

Tom: Horace! I can't believe you killed her!

****

Basilisk: Her who?

****

Tom: You killed Myrtle! She was my girlfriend!

****

Basilisk: Whoops.

****

Tom (singing reprise to "Luck Be a Lady"):

__

They call you Basilisk

And you're the meanest of the bunch

You've got the winning ways

Of some haggis served for lunch!

You're working for me now

But you're killing out of spite

And this really isn't funny

How you killed the girl I liked!

Bas, I'm locking you up

Bas, I'm locking you up

Bas, you were always too much trouble to begin with

Bas, I'm locking you up.

Bas, this was the last straw

I never wanted her gone

Sure, you went crazy and you didn't meant to do it

But Bas, I'm saying "So long."

****

Basilisk: But, Tom! You can't do this to me! I'm your ticket to stardom! Fame! Glory! Girls! With me, you could'a been a contender!

****

Tom: Horace, you _are_ the weakest link. Goodbye!

(Tom slams the door shut on the Chamber.)

****

Tom: Well, so much for love. I'll never give my heart to someone again. Might as well try to take over the world now.

(Tom exits, whistling "Bas, I'm Locking You Up" as he goes.)

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)


	5. Les Miserables

****

Summary: It's Harry's second year at Hogwarts, and Severus Snape continues to serve his years at Hogwarts. But students are getting frozen, and he's getting tired of being the one to solve everyone's problems. Featuring a lovely song from Professor Sprout.

****

Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter including the basic plotline of "Chamber of Secrets" and the characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. The music and original lyrics from "Les Miserables" are by Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schonberg, with English lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer, based on the book by Victor Hugo.

****

A/N: In honor of the musical finally closing on Broadway two weeks ago, and the fact that everyone was clamoring for it. Surprisingly the hardest musical for me to do yet - my lovely beleaguered beta Leaf sent it back to me a few times. I have to give credit to a friend, Carmen, who came up with the first few lines of "Castle on a Cloud," and to ZZZShiroNeko, who chatted with me about Mandrakes and Les Miz quite some time ago, and gave me the idea for the theme. 

For some reason, I am having lots of trouble actually posting the links to the MIDI files for these parodies. If anyone has suggestions on how to do this, I'd appreciate an email. Thanks.

Also, a note to Oki-Neko .... "The Producers" is coming, dear. Be patient. And I'm working on "Annie" now. 

***

****

Les Miserables

Prologue  
(Hogwarts School. Harry and Ron are center stage) 

****

Harry & Ron (singing to "Castle on a Cloud"):

__

There is a car up in the tree

Please no one tell Hermione

This is how we got to school

She'll say we broke ev'ry rule. 

__

There wasn't any other way

For us to get to school today

We're sort of hungry, let's go see

Hey! I just got whomped by that tree! 

(Harry and Ron run for cover, Severus Snape enters) 

****

Snape (singing to "At the End of the Day"):

__

For twenty-five years I've been living at Hogwarts

As a student or teaching the same

It's disgusting, it's so lame

How I can't seem to get away

Dumbledore won't let me go

Why does he care?

God! I hate students.   
  


****

Act One, Scene One   
(A line of students trudges in.) 

****

Students (singing to "Look Down"):

__

We're here

We're here

It's just another year

At school

At school

We'll follow every rule 

****

Ginny:

__

Except 

For me

An evil kid I'll be. 

(They all look at her.) 

****

Ginny: What? I didn't say anything. It's not like I'm being controlled by an evil diary possessed by a dark wizard or anything.

(Shrugs all around. The students trudge out, humming to their tune. Dumbledore enters.) 

****

Dumbledore: Severus, you're going to miss the sorting! Come on now, it's jolly good fun. 

****

Severus: When was the last time you had your head checked? 

****

Dumbledore: Now, Severus ... 

****

Severus: Listen, how many times do I have to tell you? I ... hate ... students! They're all whiny sniveling little brats who deserve to be drowned in the Lake and fed to vampires. 

****

Dumbledore: Like you? 

****

Severus: Shut it. I'm not a vampire; that's some twisted fandom rumor. 

****

Dumbledore: Well, you're just stuck here, then. Let's remember you owe me big time. You chose your fate. 

****

Severus: Yeah, yeah, I know. 

(Dumbledore leaves. Snape is all alone.) 

****

Severus (singing to "I Dreamed a Dream"):

__

I dreamed a dream when I was young

And I was trusting

And I listened

I didn't know which way to turn

And I choose

The wrong profession

There was a time when I was bad

And I went killing

'Round the country

Then Albus took me by the hand

He showed me home

He showed me pity

And so I stay here all my days

I owe him life

I owe him honor

Though I hate children more now

I cannot leave

'Til I'm a goner.

And still I dream I can go far

Away from here

Away from mem'ry

And I wake and find myself

Still here, still

Keeping sentry

Someday I will break free

Of Dumbledore

Of teaching dummies

I'll run and jump and be all gay

Well, maybe not

But I'll be happy

I think I owe it to myself

To dream my dream until it's true.   


****

Scene Two  
(The Potions lab. Snape is stirring some sort of gook in a cauldron. Dumbledore enters.) 

****

Dumbledore: Bad news, Severus. 

****

Severus: Oh, let me guess - you're not getting to sit in on a musical interlude this time around? 

****

Dumbledore: Another student had been Petrified. 

****

Severus: Well, shucky-darn. Which was it this time? 

****

Dumbledore: Justin Finch-Fletchley. 

****

Severus: Hufflepuff. Figures. 

****

Dumbledore: Yes, well, it hasn't escaped my notice that there haven't been any Slytherins Petrified. 

****

Severus: Of course not, Slytherins are far smarter than that. 

****

Severus (sings to "Little People"):

__

And Hufflepuffs do good

And Ravenclaws are smart

Gryffindors are trusting

And they've got some heart

But Slytherin's the best

You can mark my claim

There isn't any better

And there's none the same

Slytherin's the only house

That can't be tamed! 

(Severus freezes) 

****

Severus: Oh, shit. I just gave you a musical interlude! 

****

Dumbledore: Yay! I win! 

****

Severus: Oh, quit gloating. 

****

Dumbledore: Nope, I win. You have to make a potion to restore the students, Severus. 

****

Severus: Me? Why me? 

****

Dumbledore: Er ... you're the Potions Master. 

****

Severus: Oh. Right. Sorry, I forgot. 

****

Dumbledore: I think Professor Sprout is growing some Mandrakes, you might want to see her about that. 

****

Severus: Fine. Just don't expect us to sing a duet. 

****

Dumbledore: Ah, Severus!   


****

Scene Three  
(Greenhouses. Colin Creevey waits for Professor Sprout to enter.) 

****

Colin (singing to "Castle on a Cloud"):

__

There is a place I like to go

A lady waits for me you know

Sitting among her pots and plants

Boy, I'd like to get in her - 

(A voice interrupts) 

****

Snape (offstage): Colin Creevey! Such lewd lyrics are not allowed in a PG parody! 

****

Colin: Sorry. 

(Sprout enters.) 

****

Colin: Professor Sprout, I love you! 

****

Sprout: Oh, Colin, you say that every day. Here, hold this Venomous Fly Trap for me? 

****

Colin: But Professor, I have to tell you before something awful happens to me! 

****

Sprout: Don't be silly, Colin, nothing awful is going to happen to you. Can you stand in that puddle of water and change the light bulb please? 

****

Colin: It's very important to me that you know how much I adored you, before I go out of your life forever. 

****

Sprout: Well, Colin, that's just sweet of you. I hear Hagrid's just made some treacle fudge, why don't you go get some? 

****

Colin: Okay, Professor. 

(Colin leaves; Severus Snape enters) 

****

Sprout (singing to "Lovely Ladies"):

__

Lovely Mandrakes

Sitting in a pot

Waiting to grow big

So we can chop you up.

Precious children

Lying in their beds

We'll bring you back to life

It'll be just as I said ... 

****

Snape (singing):

__

Professor Sprout, you're crazy in the head! 

****

Sprout: Oh, Severus, I didn't see you there, or I wouldn't have been singing. 

****

Snape: It's not like I'm Albus. He's been known to hide behind doors, waiting for us to burst into song. 

****

Sprout: Well, I should have the Mandrakes ready for you in just a little bit, Severus. 

****

Snape: Oh, I wait with bated breath. 

****

Sprout: Now, Severus! They're only children. 

****

Snape: Stupid children, at that. 

****

Sprout: Oh, stop grouching. You'll make the potion because Dumbledore is asking you to do it. 

****

Snape: And don't think I don't know that! It's disgusting, how when that old man says jump, I say how high. 

****

Sprout: You're the Potions Master, it's your job. 

****

Snape: It's not our job to take care of the students in the school. It's our job to teach them. This goes above and beyond the call of duty. 

****

Sprout: Old goat. 

****

Snape (singing to "At the End of the Day"):

__

At the end of the day it's another kid frozen

And then they all come looking to me

Make a potion, stew a Mandrake

No one asks for my permission

Just rip right through my classroom

Why do I care?

Just my own ambition. 

****

Sprout: I don't understand why you don't like the students. 

****

Snape: Good lord, woman, are you going to make me sing every song in this parody? 

****

Sprout: I thought it would be funny. 

****

Snape: Evil wench. 

****

Sprout: Why, Severus, I didn't know you cared! 

****

Snape (singing to "Master of the House"):

__

Students of the school

Poachers of my wares

They don't have a mind

Beyond their own cares

So they're almost dead

Whoopee-frickin' do!

I don't see why this should bother

Me or you!

Running 'round the school like roaches

Snogging in corners in the night

School would be much nicer 

Without any students in my sight. 

****

Sprout (singing):

__

Gryffindors are brave

Ravenclaws are smart 

****

Snape:

__

Hufflepuffs will run and hide 

****

Sprout:

__

But they've got heart! 

****

Snape:

__

Slytherins are sharp 

****

Sprout:

__

But they've their faults. 

****

Snape:

__

I've no use for students

Toss' em all in Gringott's vaults 

****

Sprout:

__

How can you not love our students?

Shining faces, learning something new?

They're the light of my profession. 

****

Dumbledore (entering):

__

Professor, I've got some news for you. 

****

Sprout: Albus, did you just sing?!? 

(Dumbledore blinks at her, and clears his throat.)

****

Dumbledore: No, I did not. And Colin Creevey has been Petrified.   


****

Act Two Scene One

(The Hospital Wing. Sprout sits by Colin's bedside.) 

****

Sprout: Oh, the poor boy. He knew it was going to happen, he tried to tell me. 

****

Pomfrey: Don't work yourself up over it, dear. Severus is making up the potion now. You've done your part growing those Mandrakes. 

****

Sprout: But he was professing his love for me! And I didn't listen! 

****

Pomfrey: Severus? 

****

Sprout: No, Colin! Oh, Colin - I'm so sorry! 

****

Pomfrey (singing to "Do You Hear the People Sing")

__

Do you see the children sleep?

Dreaming of their little loves

They might say that they do love you

And bring you turtle doves

But we cannot love them back

It's called statutory rape

It's just better not to love

They're jail-bait. 

****

Sprout: Oh, Poppy ... just go away! 

(Pomfrey moves away, and Snape enters, unnoticed by Sprout) 

****

Severus: She's just a weak old woman. Why should anyone care about the fate if a student?

****

Sprout: Oh, sigh. I should have listened to you, Colin. 

****

Severus (singing to "A Heart Full of Love"):

__

A heart that is soft

She's caring for him

How ridiculous she is

He's just a kid!

Why bother wasting your time

Professor Sprout?

Why do you 

Care so much? 

****

Sprout (singing):

__

I cannot quite say

He meant me no harm

He was here, and now he's gone

And I feel guilt. 

****

Severus: But why? 

****

Sprout (singing to "I Dreamed a Dream"):

__

I thought I could stay unattached

And never caring, never loving

And Colin showed me nothing but

His faithful side in his close hov'ring

I could have kept him by my side

He'd be here, he'd be safe now

Instead he's frozen solid through

And I am lost, there is no hope now. 

(Severus backs away, his face contorted. He is ... moved, he is ... affected, he is ... still Severus Snape.) 

****

Severus: Okay then. 

(Severus leaves, and Dumbledore comes in.) 

****

Dumbledore: Professor, Severus says that his potion is almost ready. 

****

Sprout: Albus, I have to resign. 

****

Dumbledore: Now, dear, I know that Colin professed his love to you and you spurned him, and now you feel guilty that it is your fault entirely that he is laying here completely frozen and may never return to his former annoying glory, but that's no reason to quit. 

****

Sprout: If you would stop protesting, I'll explain my position in song. 

(Dumbledore sits and shuts up.) 

****

Sprout (singing to "Bring Him Home"):

__

Dumbledore

You're the one

Who can stop

What has been done

This young man

Must not die

He meant well

For loving I.

Let him live

Let him live

Let him live

He's like the boy I might have loved

If in my youth I loved a boy

The students sleep

In their beds

How soon they'll wake

Lift their heads

And I am old

And will be gone

Let him rise

Let him run

From this room

Out into the sun

I must go

I cannot stay

I have found

Another way

I must go

Let me go

Let him wake

Let him live

Let him live

Let him live. 

****

Dumbledore: Okay. Thanks for the musical interlude. You'll find a glowing recommendation for you on my desk. 

(Sprout leaves. Severus enters with the steaming potion.) 

****

Snape: Where's she going? 

****

Dumbledore: Beats me. Is that what I think it is? 

****

Snape: Flaming Cannonball? You bet. Screw the students, Mandrakes make excellent alcohol. 

****

Dumbledore: Bottoms up! 

(They drink. And thankfully, the curtain falls.) 


	6. The Producers

****

Summary: Pity poor Peter Pettigrew! All he wants is to be liked and admired. But when Lucius Malfoy gives him an offer he can't refuse – what's a boy to do? Sing and dance, obviously. Featuring a song by Mr Crabbe!

****

Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter, including characters, belong to JK Rowling. The music and lyrics of "The Producers" were written by Mel Brooks.

****

A/N: Thanks to Leaf, my ever-present and wonderful beta. Thanks to Dad, who introduced me to Mel Brooks (and to musicals, for that matter), at a young age. All hail Mel Brooks, who has written such delightfully funny music. Thanks to the members of PISA, who hopefully won't kick me out for writing this on top of "Hexed" (which will be coming soon to a ff.net near you).

Also, thanks go out to all those who have reviewed - those who I have been able to reply to I have. Enjoy Part Six!

***

****

The Producers

Act One, Scene One

(A bright sunny day on Hogwarts lawn. Peter Pettigrew is skipping through the tulips with his best friends, Sirius, James and Remus.)

**All four Marauders** (singing to "In Old Bavaria"):

__

Oh, it's nice to run and sun such fun at old Hoggy-warts

And it's a life no strife or wife to pacify at old Hoggy-warts

We're friends and companions 'til we die

Band of brothers loyal to our fellow guy

Unless a girl wants to sleep with I

At old – we're talking old – old Hoggy-warts.

****

James: Well, I'm off to go snog Lily Evans.

****

Remus: Wait a minute. I thought we recently learned that Lily hated you and would never go out with you because you turned Severus Snape upside-down in our fifth year, right after we took the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L.

****

James: She changed her mind.

****

Remus: Oh, that's good.

****

Sirius: And I'm off to buy a motorbike and magic it so it flies illegally.

****

Remus: Oh, my, look at the moon! I better go before I turn into a vicious wolf and bite everyone.

****

Peter: But what about me?

****

Sirius: Yeah, well, your name doesn't end in 's'. Therefore, you can't possibly be as cool as us.

(James, Remus & Sirius leave.)

****

Peter: Well, that just bites. Maybe I should consider turning evil.

(Lucius Malfoy pops up)

****

Lucius: You rang?

****

Peter: You! I was kidding, I didn't mean anything by it.

****

Lucius: Oh, come on! Everyone's betraying their friends nowadays. It's the thing to do.

****

Peter: No way!

****

Lucius: Oh, sure. Right up there with disco. That'll never go out of style.

****

Peter: No.

****

Lucius: Oh, fine then. Just sit here and stare at the lake, all alone, and contemplate your life, Peter, and what you really want.

(Lucius leaves)

****

Peter: Hmm. What do I really want to do with my life? Well … I want to be smart, and powerful, and have everyone who hears my name think "Ooooo." I guess that leaves only one career choice, doesn't it?

****

Peter (singing to "I Wanna be a Producer"):

__

I wanna be a Death Eater

Lots of power at my hand  
Have a great mark on my arm  
Torture Muggles 'cause I can.  
I wanna be a Death Eater  
Wear a long robe ev'ry day  
Be in His Inner Circle  
Avada Kedavra's what I'll say

I wanna be a Death Eater  
Won't put up with no more slop!  
I'll be the best of them all  
Mr Pettigrew's on top!  
Lucius says he can do it  
He can make my dreams come true!  
I wanna be a Death Eater  
And have my very own private loo.

(Lucius pops out from behind a rock)

****

Lucius: Aha! I knew it!

****

Peter: You listened to me sing!

****

Lucius: Yup. So, Petey boy, I can make those dreams come true if you want.

****

Peter: Really? I mean, no, that's okay.

****

Lucius (singing to "We Can Do It"):

__

This is easy, oh so easy  
It's so easy, you will see!  
Just come with me, and you'll meet him  
He's gonna make new history!  
He can make your problems vanish  
Why, even your friend the jerk  
Will find himself drawn, sprawled out on the lawn  
He'll be hurting, you'll be flirting  
Golly, what a perk!

We'll just go there, and you'll see where  
All your dreams will now come true  
In his deep lair, it's a grand fair  
Of things to remake you so new!  
Come on, Peter! Don't be Skeeter!  
This is the chance I give to you!  
You'll have power, you'll have riches!  
This is a choice you will not rue!

****

Peter: Well, your offer is extremely tempting…

****

Lucius: Join us and I'll throw in an advance copy of Book Six, _Harry Potter and the Real Reason that the Lost Prophecy is About Neville_.

****

Peter: Okay!

****

Scene Two

(Voldemort's Lair. Voldie lounges on a couch, with a nearby Death Eater feeding him peeled grapes.)

****

Voldie: Le sigh! We need new blood around here.

****

Death Eater: I think Lucius went for some fresh meat, sir. He'll be back soon.

(Enter Lucius & Peter)

****

Lucius: Hello, my Lord! I brought back some fresh meat.

****

Voldie: Excellent! Fire up the grill!

****

Lucius: No, sir, I meant a new recruit.

****

Voldie: But I'm _hungry_. Can't I eat him anyway?

****

Peter: Eep.

****

Lucius: Master, if you keep eating the new recruits, we're going to run out of new members.

****

Voldie: Right.

****

Lucius: And people might start to think you're a cannibal or something.

****

Voldie: Oh, fine. No more eating recruits. 

(Voldie looks at Peter longingly.)

****

Voldie (muttering): Yummy recruits….

****

Lucius: Let me introduce Peter Pettigrew, my Lord, your newest Death Eater initiate.

****

Voldie: Hello, Peter, welcome to the club, so happy to have you here, when was the last time you marinated, er, bathed?

****

Peter: Er, hello.

****

Lucius: So, I thought we could include Peter in our big attack next week.

****

Voldie: Yes, yes, fine, fine, so Peter, tell me – do you taste like – I mean, like the taste of chicken?

****

Lucius: THOMAS!

****

Voldie: Oh. Right. No eating the recruits. Sorry.

****

Lucius: All right then, Peter. Show up here next week at midnight. We'll take you on our raid.

****

Peter: You do realize you're completely insane, right?

****

Voldie: Oh, sure. But look at me, Peter – I used to be just like you, and now I'm a thousand times better!

****

Peter: No way.

****

Voldie: It's true! 

****

Lucius (as the music starts): Uh-oh, now you've done it…

****

Voldie (singing to "The King of Old Broadway):

__

I used to be a boy, a boy at old Hogwarts  
My studies were a joy, a precursor of sorts

I studied Dark Arts through and through  
Curses, hexes, jinxes too

Evil potions learnt to brew  
Not that I'd use them on you of course!

****

Other Death Eaters (singing):

__

We adore you, thousands wouldn't  
We adore you, ev'ry day  
We adore you, thousands scurry

We stand by you, here to stay.

****

Voldie:

__

There was a time  
When I was innocent

****

Peter (muttering): Yeah, right.

****

Voldie (singing):  
_I would see  
The good in all  
There was a time_

I'd hand out bunnies and roses  
To whoever came to call.

****

Death Eaters:

__

There was a time

He kissed babies in the street  
He paid off his friend's bills  
Ahh!

****

Voldie:

__

Now I've seen the truth  
You are all road kill!

****

Death Eaters:

__

That's our Voldie, he's the leader

****

Voldie:

__

You're road kill!

****

Death Eaters:

__

Of our little evil club.

****

Voldie:

__

All road kill.

****

Death Eaters:

__

We all love him, we're rather frightened

****

Voldie:

__

So road kill …

****

Death Eaters:

__

What he'd do if we all run.

****

Peter: Well, since you put it that way, sure I'll join your club. Exactly who are we raiding?

****

Lucius: Now, Peter, you aren't planning on turning spy on us for Dumbledore, are you?

****

Voldie: Because Dumbledore's got one already, and one's plenty.

(A random Death Eater behind them starts backing away slowly.)

****

Lucius: And just because we don't know who he is yet – Severus! Where are you going?

****

Random Death Eater: Er … bathroom?

****

Lucius: Right then, carry on.

****

Peter: No, no spying. I promise.

****

Voldie: All right then, there you go. See you next week, Pork Chop! I mean, Pettigrew!

****

Scene Three

(Dumbledore's office.)

****

Peter: Professor Dumbledore, I have a problem.

****

Dumbledore: Peter, I can't really do much about your eczema.

****

Peter: No, that's not it. My problem is –

****

Dumbledore: Sing it to me.

****

Peter: Huh?

****

Dumbledore: Sing me your problems, Peter. I haven't had a good musical interlude yet.

****

Peter: We're sung four songs already, you could have showed up at any of them.

****

Dumbledore: I was in a meeting.

****

Peter: I'm not singing for you.

****

Dumbledore: Then I'm afraid I can't help you.

****

Peter: Evil git.

****

Dumbledore: What was that?

****

Peter: I mean, weasel tit.

****

Dumbledore: Oh, yes, the new brand of candy from Honeydukes. Want a bite?

****

Peter: Argh! I'll just foil his dastardly plot myself!

****

Dumbledore: Lovely! Will there be music?

****

Peter: No!

(Peter exits the office)

****

Act Two, Scene One

(Ministry Headquarters. Four Death Eaters, dressed all in dark robes, enter the pavilion and approach the fountain in the center.)

****

Death Eater One (who sounds suspiciously like Lucius): Now, remember, we don't want anyone to know it was us.

****

Death Eater Two (who sounds suspiciously like Peter): But then how will they know who to be afraid of?

****

Death Eater One: Stop making sense and take this buzz saw.

(The Death Eaters start working on the fountain. When they are done, the wizard in the middle looks like Voldie, with the figures around him resembling the Minister of Magic and the Muggle Prime Minister.)

****

Lucius (who is Death Eater One): That looks fabulous. We did a good – PETER PETTIGREW! WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING???

****

Peter (who is Death Eater Two): Er … signing it?

****

Lucius: You idiot!

****

Scene Two

(A Death Eater holding cell. Peter sits on the stone floor, alone except for the guard in the corner.)

****

Peter: Jail sucks.

(A cough from the shadows, and a figure crawls out. It's Vincent Crabbe's father)

****

Peter: What are you doing here, I thought you were one of Voldie's favorite minions.

****

Crabbe: I was. But then I forgot his dry cleaning.

****

Peter: Yeah, he doesn't like to wait for his dry cleaning, does he?

****

Crabbe: No, not much. This is the tenth time I've been down here this month.

****

Peter: Listen, can you explain this whole thing to me? Because I'm a bit confused as to why you'd stick with a man who is so cruel to you.

****

Crabbe: It's complicated. But I guess you can boil it all down to one thing …

****

Peter: I feel a song coming on.

****

Crabbe (singing to "Till Him"):

__

He's the man I'll always want to service  
Voldie.  
He's the reason I always get so nervous

Voldie.

Most people said I was rather worthless  
They would have left me in the dust  
Then he took my hand  
And I found a man to trust.

He gave me a reason to try harder  
Voldie.  
For him I will try to be smarter  
Voldie.  
He is my whole reason  
To be the best that I can be  
He's the one I'll always   
Cherish … my Voldie.

(The guard suddenly whips off his coat and his hat – it's Dumbledore)

****

Dumbledore: Haha! I got my musical interlude! Fooled you!

(Dumbledore Apparates away)

****

Peter: Crabbe – you're a soprano.

****

Crabbe: I can still beat you up.

****

Peter: Never mind, then.

(Lucius enters)

****

Lucius: Crabbe, our master heard your song and was quite touched. You're free to go.

****

Crabbe: Yippee!

****

Peter: What about me?

****

Lucius: Our master wants to see you for dinner tonight.

****

Peter: Uh-oh.

****

Scene Three

(The Great Hall at Voldie's Lair)

****

Voldie: Peter Pettigrew, you have messed up my really funny prank on the Ministry of Magic. How do you plead?

****

Peter: Guilty, your honor – guilty of trying to make sure you receive credit for your dastardly deeds. I didn't want someone like Sirius Black to get the credit for your superior pranking skills.

****

Voldie: Oh. I hadn't thought of that. Well, you're more or less forgiven.

****

Lucius: Hey! Aren't you going to punish him?

****

Voldie: Oh, right. Okay, Peter, you have to make up for what you screwed up tonight.

****

Peter: How about I go be the Secret Keeper for my friends, and then you can go and A-K them one by one?

****

Voldie: That'll do.

****

Peter: Yippee!

(Peter leaves)

****

Voldie: Oh, Lucius, look. Our little recruit is growing up and off to destroy the world! I might cry.

****

Lucius: You're sick, man.

****

Voldie: Excuse me?

****

Lucius: I said, Arsenic land!

****

Voldie: Oh, right. That new band from Canada. They always make me feel like singing.

****

Voldie & Lucius (singing to "Springtime for Hitler"):

__

Springtime for Malfoy and Voldemort  
Ev'ry things going our way

We've got our new recruit in line  
Our ranks are really gonna shine!

Springtime for Malfoy and Voldemort  
Death Eaters are leaders again  
Springtime for Malfoy and Voldemort  
Watch out, Albus  
You're nearing your end.

****

Voldie:

__

Praise myself  
Shield your eyes  
I'm the wiz  
Who's got the biz to organize

I'm the best  
You all know!  
Don't agree, you   
Will see my Crucio.

Let us clean all Muggles from our land!

****

Death Eaters:

__

Scrub away!

****

Voldie:

__

All you stupid Mudbloods, on your knees and hands.  
Praise myself  
Shield your eyes!

****

Death Eaters:

__

Hurrah!

****

Voldie:

__

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion terrorize.

(And from the wings, come what you have all feared I would do, and here I have done it … yes, you guessed it … it's the Dementor Kick-line!)

****

Death Eaters:

__

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion …

****

Voldie:

__

Praise myself!

****

Death Eaters:

__

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion …

****

Voldie:

__

Praise myself!

****

Death Eaters & Voldie:

__

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion terrorize!

(And thankfully, the curtain falls. If we're lucky, maybe it killed the Dementor kick-line on the way down.)


	7. My Fair Lady

****

Summary: When detention with Snape goes awry for Hermione, Ron takes drastic action.

****

Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter are owned by JK Rowling. The original music and lyrics for "My Fair Lady" were written by Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe.

****

A/N: Huge thanks to Tall Oaks, who beta'ed this musical for me, as my wonderful regular beta Leaf couldn't get her computer to work recently. Leaf, my darling, I miss you! 

Of course, I couldn't do this without suggestions. So folks ... what's the next musical to be?

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***

****

My Fair Lady

Act One, Scene One

(Gryffindor Tower. Ron and Hermione are sitting on the couch, snuggling.)

****

Hermione: Oh, Ron. I'm so glad we finally got over our teenage inability to communicate with each other, and are happily sleeping together on a regular basis.

****

Ron: Oh, Hermione. You're the only girl I could ever love. Say I'm the only one you're able to love in return!

****

Hermione: Aren't you sweet now.

****

Ron: Er, Hermione?

****

Hermione: Oh, my, look at the time! I have to run along now and help Professor Snape with some extra credit Potions work. Don't wait up, lover boy.

(Hermione leaves the tower)

****

Scene Two

(The Potions Lab. Severus Snape is standing at a cauldron, mixing something. Dumbledore is with him.)

****

Dumbledore: Severus, I wish you would just find happiness.

****

Snape: Albus, you're a crackpot and you're clearly trying to get me to sing about how I don't need happiness.

****

Dumbledore: Well, you found me out. Anyway, you should still find some sort of person to share your life with.

****

Snape: Go eat a lemon drop.

****

Dumbledore: Fine, be that way.

(Dumbledore leaves the lab and runs into Hermione in the hall just outside of it.)

****

Dumbledore: Oh, Miss Granger! You wouldn't by any chance be going in to help Severus with some sort of extra credit project, are you?

****

Hermione: Er, yes, actually.

****

Dumbledore (looking strangely like Mr Burns from The Simpsons): Excellent.

(Hermione inches away)

****

Hermione: Right. 

****

Dumbledore: Well then … have fun! Don't fall in love, now!

(Dumbledore exits)

****

Hermione: I do love Ron … but I know he's not a good match for me.

(Inside the lab, Snape sighs)

****

Snape: I wish Dumbledore would butt out once in a while. I don't need anyone in my life. Well. Maybe …

****

Snape (singing to "Wouldn't It be Loverly?"):

__

All I want is a quiet room

No kids no class no broken pots to broom

No stupid gits who swoon

Oh, that would be so lovely.

****

Hermione:

__

All I want is a nice thick book

A glass of milk and a quiet nook

Not boys who castle my rook

Oh, that would be so lovely.

****

Snape & Hermione:

__

Oh, so nice to be sitting with no one bothering at all

All by myself and so alone…

A place all of my own.

Maybe a door opens, someone's there

Looking to spend time brushing my hair

They might want to comfort me …

Oh, that might be … well, lovely.

(Snape opens the door to the hall suddenly, looking both ways)

****

Snape: You haven't seen Dumbledore lurking about, have you?

****

Hermione: Er, he was, but he left a while ago.

****

Snape: Good. Get in here.

(Hermione goes into his office.)

****

Snape: Okay, for your extra credit assignment, you have to brew a Cliche Potion.

****

Hermione: All right.

(Hermione brews the potion. As she's finishing, a strange vapor rises from the cauldron, enveloping both her and Snape)

****

Snape: Damn, I knew this would happen!

****

Hermione: Professor, what is this vapor? And why do you suddenly look really hot?

****

Snape: It's a nasty side effect of a Cliche Potion. Sometimes, when brewed, the potion sets off a vapor that enables the people present to live out the worst cliche ever. I suppose, in this case, the vapor is enabling us to live out a cliched fantasy in which you and I are drastically in love.

****

Hermione (batting her eyelashes): Oh. Will it wear off, Snapey-kins?

****

Snape (flexing his biceps): God, I hope not, my little turtledove.

(They run at each other, and fall to the floor, and this is when we'll switch to ....)

****

Scene Three

(The Gryffindor Common Room, sometime later. Hermione enters, as if dancing on a cloud)

****

Hermione (singing to "I Could Have Danced All Night):

__

I could have brewed all night

I could have brewed all night

And still have brewed 'til dawn.

Hand me some asphodel

And some of donna-bell and lock the door 'gainst Ron.

You just don't know how much I craved the

Scent of potions in the air! 

You see when passion's hot

Who cares if the cauldron's not

Just let me brew, brew. brew all night!

(Harry pops out of the woodwork)

****

Harry: Hermione, what was that song about?

****

Hermione: Er, nothing.

****

Harry: Oh god, Snape didn't make you brew a Cliche Potion, did he? He tried that on me last week and I ended up spending three days thinking he was my real dad.

****

Hermione: I don't love Severus because of a stupid Cliche Potion, Harry! I really and truly love him!

****

Harry: Right. Go take a nap, it'll wear off eventually. 

****

Hermione (singing softly to herself): I could have brewed all night, I could have brewed all night ... 

(Hermione exits, just as Ron enters)

****

Ron: What's up with her? Snape didn't make her brew a Cliche Potion, did he?

****

Harry: What, you too?

****

Ron: With Draco, last month, and let us never speak of this again.

****

Harry: He has _got_ to lay off that firewhiskey.

****

Ron: Well, it'll wear off, I suppose. What's her cliche? She didn't fall madly in love with Snape, did she?

****

Harry: .....

****

Ron: Aw, shit!

(Hermione enters again)

****

Hermione: Oh, Ron! I was looking for you. We had lots of fun, but I'm afraid it's over between us. Sevvie and I are in love and are going to run off and be married.

****

Ron: Herm, it's a Cliche Potion. You're not really in love with Snape.

****

Hermione: Don't say such silly things! I know you're probably a bit sore, on account of us sleeping together and everything, but really. You'll get over it.

****

Ron: And so will you!

****

Hermione: Sweet little Ronnie!

(She kisses his forehead, and goes floating out the door. Ron glares at the door.)

****

Ron (singing to "Just You Wait"):

__

Just you wait, 'Mione Granger, you will see!

I'll be right, what an impossibility!

He'll be gone, you'll be begging

But there won't be any wedding

Just you wait, 'Mione Granger, just you wait.

In the dawn, 'Mione Granger, that is when

All the dreams you have will go down the drain

In the morn is when you'll learn, Ronald Weasley ought not be spurned

Oh ho ho, 'Mione Granger, just you wait.

****

Harry: Er, Ron, what are you going to do? You're not going on evil on us now, are you?

****

Ron: No! No, of course not!

(Ron exits, wiping his forehead where Hermione kissed him as he goes)

****

Harry: Oh, damn. She must have affected him with the Cliche Potion when she kissed him. Well, I'd better go tell Dumbledore everything for once, instead of waiting around until the last minute.

(He stops, groaning)

****

Harry: Aw, it got me too!

(Exits)

****

Act Two, Scene One

(Voldie's Secret Lair. Voldie is lounging on a La-Z-Boy recliner, and eating Lays salt-n-vinegar potato chips)

****

Voldie: Hey, Rockwood. Eat just one of these and I'll give you a million dollars.

****

Rockwood: Okay.

(Rockwood eats one ... and then eats one more.)

****

Voldie: You loose! _Avada Kedavra_!

(Rockwood dies)

****

Voldie: God, I'm bored.

(Ron enters)

****

Ron: Greetings, most Snakey-one! I have a proposal for you!

****

Voldie: Er, aren't you the Potter brat's best friend?

****

Ron: Yeah, but that's beside the point. You've got a mole, I've got a problem with your spy.

****

Voldie: Eh? What's that?

****

Ron: He's boinking my girlfriend.

****

Voldie: Yeah, that can be the pits. What do you want me to do about it?

****

Ron: I am prepared to hand over the mole in exchange for my girlfriend.

****

Voldie: Hmm. Yeah, I like that. I suppose you'll give me access to Hogwarts and all that as well, then?

****

Ron: Oh, sure.

****

Voldie: Hurrah! Boredom alleviated! Minions! Let's get a move on!

****

Voldie (singing to "I'm Getting Married in the Morning"):

__

I'm going to Hogwarts in the morning!

"Oh, help" the kids are gonna cry!

Set off the Dark Marks!

Collect the laundry!

But get me to the school on time!

****

Death Eaters:

__

We're gonna attack in the morning

It's why we have to make up rhymes.

We can't be late

Breakfast is at eight

We have to be at Hogwarts on time.

  
**Voldie**:

__

Yup, I'm gonna get them in the morning

Yee-haw, the morning lark has chimed!

Come along you minions,

Albus won't be grinnin'

When I am at Hogwarts…

****

Death Eaters:

__

When he is at Hogwarts

****

Voldie:

__

For Merlin's sake, get me to Hogwarts on time!

****

Scene Two

(Dumbledore's office. Hermione and Snape are sitting next to each other, holding hands and giving doey-eyed looks at each other)

****

Dumbledore: This is a very serious offense, Snape. You really have to stop giving students that Cliche Potion of yours. Really, you gave it to Neville Longbottom and he went around for a solid week convinced that he was the child mentioned in Sybill Trelawney's prophecy!

****

Snape: Ah, but Albus, I love her! She's my snookie-ookums.

****

Hermione: Ah, sigh!

****

Dumbledore: I mean, it would be all right if you would at least _sing_ or something.

****

Snape: Not even this could make me that happy, Albus.

****

Dumbledore: Darn.

(Suddenly the lights go out, and all we can hear are screams and a bit of a tussle. When the lights come back on ... )

****

The One Person Left in the Room: Oh, damn.

****

Scene Three

(Voldie's Secret Lair again. Voldie is jumping from foot to foot, fairly excited.)

****

Voldie: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I'm getting a present today!

(Lucius Malfoy enters the room, with two hooded people in tow)

****

Lucius: Master! I bring you the gift of a mole and his lover!

****

Voldie: Yippee! Can I open them now? Please, can't I?

(Voldie runs over to them)

****

Lucius: Now now, you have to wait until the other minions are here. They wouldn't want to miss out on the fun.

****

Voldie: Awwww!

(The Death Eaters all enter the room, along with Ron)

****

Voldie: Good, you're all here. I have an announcement to make: Our mole has been discovered!

****

Death Eaters: Huzzah!

****

Voldie: Thanks to Ronald Weasley, we have managed to infiltrate Hogwarts and retrieve our mole, as well as Mr Weasley's girlfriend, who the mole had been boinking. We will now unmask our mole and return Weasley's girlfriend to him, and they will live happily ever after.

****

Death Eaters: Huzz... er, okay.

****

Voldie: But first, we have to congratulate Head Minion Lucius Malfoy, for his splendid reconnaissance!

****

Death Eaters: Huzzah!

****

Lucius: Oh, it was nothing.

****

Voldie (singing to "You Did It"):

__

Good show, Lucius, you did it!

You did it, you did it!

You said that you would find them and indeed you did.

Here's Granger and the Master 

You couldn't have been faster

I simply must commend you

And not to Crucio you

You did most terribly well

The minion I value best

****

Lucius:

__

It was nothing. Really nothing.

****

Voldie:

__

All by yourself you found them

You've passed my every test.

****

Lucius:

__

I did … I did … 

I slid through the hallways dark

Into an office, what a lark!

****

Voldie:

__

And here we have our prizes

We've had no surprises

Our plan is now in action

And no minions are in traction

We're ready to proceed now

Mr Weasley!

Here is Granger, just for you

And don't forget the Galleons too

We have to thank for your helpful time

****

Lucius:

__

But Voldie don't you want to hear

How I got them from under Albus' ear?

And just as they were about to rhyme?

****

Voldie:

__

You foiled his chance for musical fun?

Well, tell us Lucius, you son of a gun!

This is the best news I've had all night.

****

Lucius:

__

I found them in Albus's office

Talking to him

So I grabbed my hiding sheets and killed the lights!

****

Voldie:

__

I say to you

You did it, you did it, you did it.

Weasley has his Granger

(Though that relationship is stranger)

And we've got our spy

The sly …

(He pulls the hood off one of the figures, revealing...)

****

Everyone:

__

DUMBLEDORE?!?!

****

Dumbledore: Ha ha! I got my musical interlude after all!

(Dumbledore Apparates away, leaving the rest of them in shock)

****

Lucius: Er ... oops?

****

Ron: Well, isn't that too bad, come along, Hermione, we'll be off.

****

Hermione (from under the hood): Ronald Weasley! You traitor! You sold us out!

****

Ron: Heh heh, I'll explain later, sweetums.

(He is about to escape with Hermione when Voldie jumps in front of him.)

****

Voldie: Not so fast! You promised us our mole, and I want our mole!

****

Ron: Well, see, if your minion wasn't capable of grabbing the right guy, I don't see how that's my fault.

****

Lucius: Ronald Weasley! And after you and my son spent a night together last month!

(Ron jumps and backs away from Lucius)

****

Ron: I have _no_ idea what you're going on about!

(Snape Apparates in)

****

Snape: Voldie, unhand my woman!

****

Hermione (from under the hood): Sevvie, my darling!

****

Ron: Oh, jeez...

****

Voldie: Sev! Baby! Mole-man! You think I'm just going to hand her over?

****

Snape: Well ... yes, actually. Because then I'll be grateful to you, and I'll turn double on Dumbledore and spy on him for you, and when he thinks I'm spying on you for him, even though I'm already giving you loads of information about Dumbledore, and he knows I'm giving you information, but you'll know that I'm really a triple spy on Dumbledore for you and not the other way round, and I'll just keep playing middle ground and giving both sides all sorts of information, and continue hedging my bets on who's gonna win this war.

(Everyone stares at Snape in confusion)

****

Voldie: Er, right. Here you are, then.

(He hands the still-hooded Hermione over to Snape)

****

Ron: Listen, Snape, I've been rather silly about all this.

****

Snape: Oh? I hadn't noticed.

****

Ron: Yeah. I mean, if Hermione wants to be with you, I suppose I don't really mind.

****

Snape: You're kidding me.

****

Ron (singing to "On the Street Where you Live"):

__

I have often stood in your class before

And wondered what sort of git might lurk beyond classroom doors.

It matters not, you're the one she wants

I'm just the one who she shags.

When she speaks your name, she goes all sweet

And it's clear she'd be here worshipping at your feet.

Is it your slimey hair, or your stony stare?

'Cause it's you who she'd rather shag.

And oh! It's rather alarming

How I rather don't mind

If she'd like to be with you

As long as her bed is mine.

That's just the way it is, when she loves me and you

Or is lust a better theory for what must be true?

Oh, who gives a shit, my life is the pits

Because you're the one she wants to shag!

****

Snape: So you're saying we share her?

****

Ron: Yeah. That work for you?

(Snape ponders for a moment)

****

Snape: Yeah, sure, I can deal with that. I get Tuesdays and Thursdays.

(Hermione rips off her hood)

****

Hermione: I don't believe this! Don't I get a vote?

****

Snape: What, you'd rather be with me on Sundays and Wednesdays?

****

Ron: I have bowling on Tuesdays, Herm, you're much better off with him on those days.

****

Snape: Hey, does she do that thing with the thing with you?

****

Ron: Dude, I _showed_ her that thing with the thing!

(They both laugh, and Hermione screams in frustration)

****

Hermione: That's it! I want neither of you!

****

Snape & Ron: _What?!?!_

****

Hermione (singing to "Without You"):

__

There'll be Gryffindors without you

I can study some more without you

There will be dinner to eat and new students to meet

And there'll be Mrs Weasley's treats

Without you

Potions class will go on without you

I can still sing a song without you

I can chop asphodel and watch poor Neville

Things explode oh so well

Without you

I can brew without you!

You both are so egotistical

You can go to

Diagon or Gringotts or … hell!

We will still win the Cup without you

Voldie'll still breed his Crups without you

And when you both are gone, our lives will still go on 

Without you

Without your brewing them the potions are made

Without your blocking it, the goals are saved

Without your snogging me, my life goes on

If I can do without you, why's leaving wrong?

I shall not feel alone without you

I can stand on my own without you

Go back to Hogwarts, it's time to depart without you

(She grabs a random Death Eater)

****

Hermione: Apparate, sweet cheeks, you're mine.

(They Apparate away)

****

Voldie: She does realize that she grabbed Peter Pettigrew, right?

****

Snape: Well ... at least he'll get laid.

(And thankfully ... the curtain falls.)


	8. Annie

****

Summary: Godric Gryffindor loves Helga Hufflepuff. Helga Hufflepuff loves Salazar Slytherin. Salazar Slytherin loves … well, Rowena Ravenclaw knows, and she's just waiting for the fun to start! A parody of the classic musical comedy "Annie." 

****

Disclaimer: The musical "Annie" was written by Martin Charnin (lyrics), Thomas Meehan (book) and Charles Strouse (music), based on Harold Gray's comic strip "Li'l Orphan Annie."

****

A/N: Oh, huzzah, my lovely beta Leaf is back! I also want to thank Tall Oaks for taking a peek at this too. Thanks to my many lovely reviewers - I'm so glad you're enjoying this series! Remember to suggest the next musical - I'm always on the lookout for another reason to giggle to myself in public...

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Annie

****

Act One, Scene One

(Dumbledore's Office. McGonagall enters)

****

McGonagall: Another year, another sorting…

****

Dumbledore: Another parody, another chance for a musical interlude…

****

McGonagall: Oh, Albus, not again! Haven't you had enough of them?

****

Dumbledore: Never! Now, Minerva, don't go singing a song while I'm greeting the students.

****

McGonagall: Wouldn't dream of it, Albus.

(Dumbledore exits. McGonagall goes to the Sorting Hat and picks it up)

****

McGonagall: Help?

****

Sorting Hat: What, you think _I_ want him to hear another musical interlude? You don't know how insufferable he is afterwards! That one from Sound of Music nearly was the end of me.

****

Scene Two

(Great Hall. McGonagall puts the Sorting Hat on a stool)

****

Sorting Hat (singing to "Hard Knock Life"):

__

It's to Hufflepuff for her

It's to Slytherin for him

It's a chore that I have had

For the last milleniad

I'm the Sorting Hat.

Do you want to know how all this started?

Why the houses are split up just like this?

Do you think you know the real story?

I'll tell you my version ain't like his.

It starts with a wizard named Sal Slytherin

And my lord, he was in such a plight

He had a secret he'd tell no one

At least without putting up a fight.

Shall I show you now?

Come on and grab my brow

Go back a few years or thou

Trust me, you'll go 'wow'.

(The Sorting Hat jumps up and spins … and is suddenly gone. Dumbledore enters the room, rubbing his hands together.)

****

Dumbledore: Time for my musical interlude?

****

McGonagall: Shucks, Albus, you just missed it. And apparently the rest of the parody is taking place a thousand years in the past, so I think you're out of luck.

****

Dumbledore: Oh. Dear.

****

McGonagall: Albus. Put that seam ripper down!

****

Dumbledore (hiding something behind his back): What seam ripper?

(A tussle, but we'll move right along to...)

****

Scene Three

(Hogwarts, a thousand years ago. Salazar Slytherin walks by, whistling)

****

Helga: Salazar! Oh, Salazar!

****

Salazar: Oh, hullo Helga. 

****

Helga: Salazar, I'm horribly sorry to interrupt you – were you thinking of anything important?

****

Salazar: Actually, Helga – you _can_ help me.

(He turns and takes her hands. Helga's eyelashes flutter.)

****

Helga: Yes, Salazar?

****

Salazar: There's someone I truly care about here at Hogwarts. I would very much like to speak to them, but I'm … afraid.

****

Helga: Don't be afraid, Salazar! Tell me, er, them, your true feelings!

****

Salazar: But what if I'm rejected?

****

Helga: I would never … I mean, if they truly care for you, they won't reject you.

****

Salazar: Oh, Helga, I do hope you're right.

****

Helga: Oh, Salazar!

(She puckers up for a kiss but Salazar turns away, looking longingly in the distance.)

****

Salazar: Sigh!

(He wanders off. Helga sighs. While she sings, Rowena Ravenclaw enters)

****

Helga (singing to "Maybe"):

__

Maybe someday soon

I'll tell him how I feel

He'll have been off killing Muggles

I'll have transfigured a seal.

He'll take me in his arms

And hold me for a while

He'll say I'm getting too fat

I'll try to make him smile!

Betcha he's sweet

When he's in bed

Betcha he doesn't

Always see red.

Betcha he'd like

To love only me – 

Why does he wait

When we're meant to be?

So maybe I'll tell him

And then we'll be happy

He'll finally give me a baby…

Maybe.

(Rowena offers golf claps)

****

Rowena: Adorable, dear.

****

Helga: Oh, Rowena! I didn't see you there.

****

Rowena: No, I didn't imagine you had. So you're in love with our Professor Slytherin, I see?

****

Helga: I know he's a bit difficult to love, Rowena, but truly he's a good man.

****

Rowena: Uh-huh.

Helga: Don't you think I could make him love me, Rowena?

****

Rowena: Oh goodness. Why not? Why don't you go off now and figure out a way to tell him?

****

Helga: Oh, what a marvelous idea, Rowena! Thank you!

(She runs off)

****

Rowena: How interesting.

(Godric Gryffindor enters. He has obviously been spending a whole lot of time bench pressing a hippogriff or two.)

****

Godric: Rowena, have you see Helga anywhere?

****

Rowena: She just left.

****

Godric: Ah! I'll go find her.

****

Rowena: I think she's working on something. Did you need her for something?

****

Godric: Well … I was planning on telling her, but as you're here I might as well tell you first.

****

Rowena: Indeed.

****

Godric: I have decided that I'm in love with Helga and I want to marry her.

****

Rowena: Really?

****

Godric: Yes. I think we shall make a splendid pair. With my great courage and her loyalty, we will become an invincible force, and very possibly have thousands of magical children who are both brave, loyal, and … er …

****

Rowena (under her breath): Can't count.

****

Godric: What was that, Rowena?

****

Rowena: Nothing, Godric. 

****

Godric: Well. I can't interrupt her work.

****

Rowena: Why don't you go work out in the weight room until tomorrow morning, and then tell her how you feel then?

****

Godric: Tomorrow?

****

Rowena: Well, your pecs are looking a bit … limp.

****

Godric: Egad! Well, I suppose a few rotations wouldn't hurt. Thanks, Rowena!

****

Rowena: My pleasure.

(Godric leaves)

****

Rowena (singing to "Little Girls"):

__

He's in love

She's in love

Everywhere I turn they are swooning.

She's in love

He's in love

God, all this love-making is loony.

I find that logic defies love

I'd like them all to simply disappear

Can't Apparate

Or Obliviate

They're not invented; I'm stuck here!

He's in love

She's in love

Can't they just go shag and call it over?

I can't take

Much more love

Without developing heart murmur!

Some witches can't stand the fire

Some witches can't stand being wet

He's in love, she's in love

What is it I can't stand?

Wanna bet?

(Salazar enters, still looking dreamy. He runs into Rowena quite literally and falls on the floor.)

****

Salazar: Oh, Rowena, I didn't see you.

****

Rowena: I'd noticed.

****

Salazar: I was just thinking of … someone.

****

Rowena: Oh, Sal, just tell me already. You're deeply in love with me and you'd do anything to have me, even though it means breaking Helga's heart.

****

Salazar: Er, no, actually. I'm not in love with you.

****

Rowena: Helga, then.

****

Salazar: Not her either.

****

Rowena: That leaves … oh dear.

****

Salazar: Oh wow. It feels so good to finally _tell_ someone! I feel like I've been locked in a dark little room with no windows with a lot of coats hanging in my face, and a pile of shoeboxes at my feet, and that with this admission of my love, I have been set free!

****

Rowena: In other words, like you've been let out of the closet?

****

Salazar: Rowena, I can't begin to thank you.

****

Rowena: Sure you can. Why don't you tell your intended about your love tomorrow morning?

****

Salazar: That's a great idea! I'll do it!

****

Rowena: This should be most interesting.

****

Salazar (singing to "Tomorrow"):

__

That's when I'll come out

Tomorrow

And we'll live together

And never more part

He's my own.

He'll open his arms

Tomorrow

No more inward

Tortured sorrow

Never alone.

We'll be happy at last

The past

Forgotten

Just me and him

We'll swim

And play

Oh….

It'll all be grand

Tomorrow

Troubles over, life will finally

Start Tomorrow

I can't wait!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

He'll love me tomorrow

You're the wizard

Who's meant for me.

(From another part of the castle)

****

Helga:

__

That's when I'll ask

Salazar

Let me tame you

Let me love you

Be my own.

He'll rest at my knee

Tomorrow

I'll clear his schedule

Banish sorrow

Never alone!

(And from yet another part of the castle)

****

Godric:

__

That's when I'll say

Dear Helga

You're sweeter than

Peach Melba.

Be my own.

I say this to her

Tomorrow

Get away from fighting 

And from sorrow

Never alone.

(And from our original place)

****

Rowena:

__

That's when it all ends

For lovers

I'll be laughing

They won't need rubbers

Hear them moan!

They'll spill all their guts

Tomorrow

Hall filled with fighting

And with sorrow

Always alone!

****

All of them:

__

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

I can't wait

Tomorrow

That's when all

Will go my way!

****

Act Two, Scene One

(The next morning. Rowena comes in to breakfast whistling)

****

Rowena: Oh, what a lovely day this will be.

****

Helga: Rowena, have you see Salazar yet?

****

Rowena: No, not yet!

(Helga leaves as Salazar enters)

****

Salazar: Rowena, have you seen him yet?

****

Rowena: No, not yet!

(Salazar leaves as Godric enters)

****

Rowena: No, not yet!

****

Godric: Er, I didn't say anything.

****

Rowena: But you were going to ask if I'd seen Helga yet.

****

Godric: Well, yes.

****

Rowena: I answered. Maybe I'm psychic. 

****

Godric: Sure. Whatever.

(Helga runs in)

****

Helga: Rowena, have you seen Salazar?

****

Godric: Helga! I've been looking for you.

****

Rowena: Oh boy!

****

Helga: Yes, Godric?

****

Godric: I've decided that I love you and we should be married.

****

Helga: How nice. Have you seen Salazar?

****

Godric (singing to "Anything But You"):

__

Love me at last

Love me forever

Just you and I

Through all kinds of weather.

You don't need Salazar

To make your dreams come true.

Helga Love,

I'm the one for you!

Yesterday you didn't love me

(You won't do that again)

But today you adore me

And that's

The way

It ends!

I'm the hunk of the land

You're cute as a button

We could sell seats 

To our sweet ruttin'

There isn't anyone

Who's cute as me it's true

But Helga

I think you will do.

****

Helga: Uh-huh.

(Rowena snickers.)

****

Godric: Rowena? Are you all right?

****

Rowena: Frog in my throat. Don't mind me.

****

Godric: So, Helga, whaddya say, babe?

****

Helga: I'm in love with Salazar, thanks.

****

Godric: Maybe you'll change your mind?

****

Helga: Doubtful. Thanks.

(Salazar enters)

****

Godric: Ah. Well. Then. Here's the man of the moment, why don't you tell him?

****

Salazar: Godric! I've been looking for you!

****

Godric: Isn't that nice? Helga here has something to tell you.

****

Salazar: Can I say something first?

****

Godric: Nah, best get her over with.

(Rowena doubles over, trying not to laugh.)

****

Salazar: Rowena? Are you in pain?

****

Rowena: No, no, carry on!

****

Helga: Salazar … I love you!

****

Salazar: Oh. Dear.

****

Helga: Salazar?

****

Salazar (singing to "Without a Smile"):

__

Hey, Rowena

Hey, dear Helga

You've got something great

But Godric's

The guy who has for me

Got what it takes.

Your smiles are bright

They shine all night

Your figures are trim

But sweethearts

Godric's shining eyes

Make your dim.

I can't explain why

I love him and don't love you.

He makes my heart go boom boom boom

And I know that is true.

(So you see…)

Now, Rowena

Now, dear Helga

You can't have this ring

There's just the little

Fact of which

Way I swing!

(Utter, complete silence)

****

Salazar: Godric, will you marry me?

(Utter, complete silence continues)

****

Salazar: Godric?

****

Godric: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

****

Rowena: I think that's a 'no'.

****

Salazar: But … Rowena made me think you'd accept me!

****

Godric: What? She told me to tell Helga that I loved her!

****

Helga: But she told me to tell Salazar I loved him!

(Rowena starts to sneak out of the Great Hall)

****

Salazar, Godric & Helga: Rowena!

****

Rowena: Now, are you going to deny a girl a little bit of fun?

****

Salazar, Godric & Helga: Yes!

****

Rowena: I see.

****

Salazar: You tricked us!

****

Godric: You played us for fools!

****

Helga: You had no right!

****

Rowena: But it was _funny_.

****

Godric (singing to "NYC"):

__

Rowena

What makes you so cruel?

You're mean

You're bad

You're vile

Rowena

We're naught but your tools

For fun

To make

You smile

You love to see us suffering so

For the dreams we call our own

You can help but knowing it though

That you're truly all alone

Rowena

You're evil and … witchy!

Get lost

Get out

Don't try

To pout

Just go

Dear Ro-

Wena!

****

Rowena: Ah. I see how it goes then. Fine. I'll leave. There's a nice man named Aloysius Dumbledore who wants to marry me and have children who have a love of keeping secrets from people, as well as a penchant for musical interludes. Perhaps one of them will return to Hogwarts in a few centuries to create havoc by popping into musical interludes unannounced as well as not telling fifteen year old children things they ought to know to keep their renegade godfathers from getting themselves needlessly killed.

(Rowena leaves)

****

Salazar: I can't stay here either, not and face Godric every day knowing that we can never be together. I'll go off to some foreign land and never return, and maybe I'll marry some veela in France and we'll have a few very blond children who eventually immigrate back to England and change their name to Malfoy. Someone please remember to feed my pet Basilisk, Horace.

(Salazar leaves)

****

Godric: Sooo …. Helga … it appears I'm the last man at Hogwarts …

****

Helga: How nice for you.

****

Godric: Well, if I'm to be spurned, I won't stay here either. I think I'll go off as well. I think I'll start a brood of children who will make their living by pottery, and thus take the last name Potter. Then I'll get disenchanted with that life, and maybe settle in Romania, where I'll hone my bodybuilding skills and have another bunch of children with the less pronounceable name of Schwarzenneggar, who will emigrate to America and run for governor of California.

(Godric leaves)

****

Helga: I am so not feeding that Basilisk on my own.

(And thankfully … the curtain falls.)


	9. Man of La Mancha

****

Summary: Blaise Zabini, in a quest to discover his true sex, goes on a journey that takes him to some very unusual places. Featuring a lovely song by Mrs Rowling herself! A parody of the musical "Man of La Mancha."

****

Disclaimer: The original lyrics to "Man of La Mancha" were written by Joe Darion, with music by Mitch Lee, based upon the writings of Miguel the Cervantes y Saavedra.

****

A/N: Thanks to my ever-wonderful betas Tall Oaks and Leaf. Leaf would like me to add that it's probably not a good idea to eat and read these parodies at the same time. The title for the seventh Harry Potter book is homage to Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. If you know that series, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

***

****

Man of La Mancha

Act One, Scene One

(The Great Hall. Dumbledore stands at dinner to make an announcement. He is really disgruntled.)

****

Dumbledore: As you may not have noticed, I did not get my promised musical interlude in the last parody. As a punishment, I have decided that there are too many slash couplings occurring at Hogwarts in which one or more of the participants do not sing. Therefore, I am putting a ban on all homosexual attachments herewith.

****

Justin Finch-Fletchley: Oh shit.

****

Dumbledore: And a thousand points to whoever sings to me first.

(Crickets.)

****

Dumbledore: Oh, fine. None of you want me to be happy, is that it?

****

McGonagall: Rats! He figured us out!

****

Scene Two

(Slytherin Common Room, Hogwarts. Millicent Bulstrode and Malcolm Baddock are sitting on a couch.)

****

Millicent: Blaise Zabini is just the sweetest person in Hogwarts.

****

Malcolm: I know! I can't think of anyone in all of Hogwarts I'd rather spend time with.

****

Millicent: I wonder if he'd like me?

****

Malcolm: He who?

****

Millicent: Blaise Zabini, of course! Who do you think we're talking about.

****

Malcolm: Millie, dear – Blaise is a girl.

****

Millicent: No, he's a boy!

****

Malcolm: Millicent, I know boys, and I know girls. And trust me, Blaise is as girly as they go.

****

Millicent: You're being ridiculous! Blaise Zabini is a boy.

****

Malcolm: Well, here _she_ comes now – let's ask and find out.

(Blaise Zabini enters)

****

Blaise: Aye me, what a day!

****

Millicent: Blaise! We have a question for you.

****

Malcolm: See, we both like you an awful lot …

****

Millicent: But we're not sure which of us you like best.

****

Blaise: Well, I like both of you just fine.

****

Millicent: That's not what we mean. We mean _like_ like.

****

Blaise: Oh! Wow, I'm honored!

****

Malcolm: That's the problem, though. There's been a stop put on all homosexual relationships. So we need to know if you're a boy or a girl, so we know which one of us you can date.

****

Millicent (singing to "I Like Him"):

__

I like you

I really like you

You're the one who I simply adore

I like you.

You're the one

I want to be around

You aren't Malfoy and yet adventures around you

A-bound.

But I worry that it won't do

To have me in love with you

You're perfect for me

Oh why can you see

That we like you!

****

Malcolm:

__

I like you

I truly like you

I have admired you from afar

I like you.

I do think

We go together

Side by side we can have all kinds

Of weather.

But I can't tell if it is right

I've never seen you in good light

We simply aren't sure

If you're a him or a her

But we like you.

****

Blaise: Huh.

****

Millicent: Well? Are you a boy or a girl?

****

Blaise: That's the thing – I don't know.

****

Malcolm: You don't … where do you sleep?

****

Blaise: Er … I have my own room.

****

Millicent: Do you wear boxers or thongs?

****

Blaise: That's personal!

****

Malcolm: You could ask Professor Snape. He's our Head of House, he's got to know.

****

Blaise: I'll go ask him, then!

****

Blaise (singing to "Man of La Mancha"):

__

I am I, Blaise Zabini

A student at Hogwarts

Am I a boy or a girl?

So I go on a journey

To look for the answers

With my hippogriff named Merle

(Golly, I hope I don't hurl)

Oh my thoughts are in a whirl.

Here I am, Blaise Zabini

I travel through England

To find out what I might know

I'll ask all the elders

And search through the records

Even the ones filled with woe

Maybe not musty ones though

Bothers my asthma you know!

****

Scene Three

(Snape's office)

****

Blaise: Professor Snape – 

****

Snape: Quiet! Don't you know that old coot Dumbledore is always listening?

****

Blaise: Er …

****

Snape: Now. Tell me what you want to know. And whatever you do, _don't sing_.

****

Blaise: Am I a boy or a girl?

****

Snape: How on earth should I know?

****

Blaise: Well, you're my Head of House!

****

Snape (singing to "One Pair of Arms"):

__

One Slytherin is like another

I don't have time to keep a score

Of who is who else's lover

It's such a bore. It's such a bore.

I don't care if you're a boy or woman

As long as it's my class you attend

I don't even care if you're human

Much less which way your leanings bend!

(Snape stops suddenly, and glares at Blaise.)

****

Snape: You made me sing! One hundred points from Slytherin!

****

Blaise: Well, darn.

****

Scene Four

(Dumbledore's Office)

****

Blaise: Professor Dumbledore, I need to know if I'm a boy or a girl.

****

Dumbledore: That would make a lovely basis for a song.

****

Blaise: Professor! I'm serious!

****

Dumbledore: No, you're Blaise. Sirius is in a possibly dead state, since no one has accurately told Harry whether or not falling through the Veil in the Ministry offices is fatal or not.

****

Blaise: Listen, you accepted me into Hogwarts – you've got to know if I'm a boy or a girl.

****

Dumbledore: Well, let's see. Do you sing tenor or soprano?

(Blaise screams in frustration. It should be noted that the portraits of former Headmasters sing the bits in parenthesis.)

****

Blaise (singing to "Little Bird"):

__

Dumbledore Dumbledore 

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

In your office so grand 

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore 

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

I've a question at hand. 

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

There's a girl and man

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Who do love me

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore, this can't be slash

Dumbledore Dumbledore, to whom shall I latch

Dumbledore Dumbledore

In all my life

Though laughter and strife

I never once

Had to use the loo

But now it's time

To know my fate

And I think my sexual leanings

Rest here with you.

Dumbledore Dumbledore

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

In your office so grand

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Must I search England?

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Do you know the truth

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

You sit, you wait

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore, you've got your song

Dumbledore Dumbledore, I'll say so long

Dumbledore Dumbledore.

****

Dumbledore: Bravo! Marvelous! Stupendous! Ten thousand points to Slytherin!

****

Blaise: Well? Am I a boy or a girl?

****

Dumbledore: Darned if I know.

****

Blaise: Rats.

****

Dumbledore: Go ask your parents. Maybe they know.

****

Scene Five

(The Zabini home.)

****

Blaise: Mum, dad, I have to know. Am I a boy or a girl?

****

Mum: Darling, you'd think your name makes it quite obvious!

****

Blaise: You'd think that, yes.

****

Dad: Well, Blaise, the truth is we don't rightly know.

****

Blaise: But … you're my _parents_.

****

Mum (singing to "A Little Gossip"):

__

A little girlie, a little boy

We didn't pay attention, either's a joy

The doctors didn't tell and we never really looked

We didn't think it mattered much, you're hardly in the books.

****

Dad:

__

When you first got home we tried to give you dollies

But you didn't seem to like them very much

We gave you trucks and balls and bears

You'd throw them all away

So we'd finally say

You were a boring such-and-such.

****

Mum & Dad:

__

A little girlie, a little boy

Doesn't matter, you're still quite coy.

It's better never knowing, it can be rather fun

Whichever bathroom's line is the shortest one!

****

Blaise: Isn't there anyone who can tell me what sex I am?

****

Mum: Well… you could try going and asking the Ladies.

****

Blaise: The Ladies? You think they'd know?

****

Dad: Worth a try.

****

Blaise: Well … if that's what I have to do!

****

Act Two, Scene One

(Orlando, Florida. Nimbus 2003 Harry Potter Convention)

****

Blaise: Excuse me, I'm looking for the Harry Potter convention.

****

Hotel Employee: Follow the lines of people wearing long cloaks.

****

Blaise: Thanks!

(Blaise goes into a meeting room.)

****

Blaise: Hi, is this the Harry Potter convention?

****

Fan #1: Shhh! Can't you see? All the really great fanfiction writers are talking right now!

****

Blaise: Oh!

(He runs up to the front of the room)

****

Blaise: Is it true? Are you the Ladies of the Fandom Universe?

****

The One Token Guy: I take offense at that.

****

Blaise (singing to "Knight of the Woeful Countenance"):

__

Hail Queens of the Fandom Universe

Queens of the Fandom Universe

Tell me if I'm a man, I know you can

From the clues that you glean

Oh Queens of the Fandom Universe.

You read the books through

You take note of the clues

You have the movies almost memorized

Your friends think you're mad

But you don't think it bad

To know Hagrid's accurate size.

Hail Queens of the Fandom Universe

Queens of the Fandom Universe

I've search the land, to here I ran

Oh please don't be mean

Dear Queens of the Fandom Universe!

****

Queen #1: Who are you?

****

Blaise: I'm Blaise Zabini.

****

Queen #2: Dammit! I thought Draco Malfoy was going to show!

****

Queen #3: Hey, Blaise? Do us a favor and drop trou?

****

Blaise: No! I just wanted to ask you a question.

****

Queen #3: Us first?

****

Blaise: I need to know if I'm a boy or a girl.

(The queens fall silent and look at each other)

****

Queen #1: Actually … we were going to ask you the same thing.

****

Blaise: But … I was told you knew!

****

Queen #2: Oh, no. There isn't any indication anywhere in the books if you're a boy or a girl.

****

Queen #3: Or the movies.

****

Blaise: But … you write about me all the time!

****

Queen #1: Sure do. You're a girl in my fic.

****

Queen #2: And a boy in mine.

****

Queen #3: I switch back and forth, usually.

(Suddenly the entire room breaks into chatter.)

****

Fan #1: He's a girl!

****

Fan #2: No, she's a boy!

****

Half the Room: GIRL!

****

Half the Room: BOY!

(A catfight ensues. Fangirls everywhere are screaming, pulling each other's hair out, kicking each other's knees, and throwing little Hedwig plushies across the room.)

****

Blaise: But… who would know if I were a boy or girl? I have to find out!

****

Queen #1: I think your only option is to ask J.K. Rowling. She wrote the books, she must know.

****

Blaise: Where can I find her?

****

Queen #2: She's got a castle in Scotland.

****

Blaise: Then that's where I'll go.

****

Queen #3: Oh, Blaise! Wait for a second – can you tell us if … 

(She breaks down into giggles)

****

Blaise: If what?

****

Queen #3: If Draco looks as good in leather trousers as we all hoped?

(The queens all fall over laughing. Blaise, disgusted, leaves the convention.)

****

Scene Two

(Scotland. J.K. Rowling's castle. Blaise enters her writing studio.)

****

Blaise: Excuse me, Mrs Rowling?

****

JKR: I'm sorry, I'm very busy right now. I'm posting really bad Draco/Harry slash to put my fans off the right track.

****

Blaise: I don't suppose you heard about Dumbledore's ban, then.

****

JKR: Oh, that. Yeah. He's an old coot. I can do whatever.

****

Blaise: Listen, I just had a real quick question for you.

****

JKR: Okay, but make it snappy. There's an online discussion about the last chapter in Draco Veritas that I need to spy on.

****

Blaise (singing to "Dulcinea"):

__

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling

You've my secret in your cabinet

Mrs Rowling.

Only you can tell me which sex I am

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling.

Let me one little peek

Into secrets you know which were locked deep in the past.

Then I'll leave you in peace

And go into the world at least knowing how I swing at last.

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling

You hold my secret, let me see it

Mrs Rowling!

I'll throw a tantrum 'til you let me know my sex

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling.

****

JKR: Wow. That was … moving.

****

Blaise: Really?

****

JKR: No. Not really.

****

Blaise: Well, will you tell me anyway?

****

JKR (singing to "Impossible Dream"):

__

You ask the impossible thing

You want what is rightfully yours

You can't have the knowledge you'd like

You'd just fall in a faint on the floor

I won't tell you the truth

I'll keep my secret at hand

I'll tell no one their fate

I'd lose all profits to sand.

The truth you seek no longer exists

It was destroyed in Yorkshire's mists

You'll just have to pretend that you don't really care

If you're a boy or a girl, with dresses or tuxes to wear.

I can tell that you will find out at the end of the books

Where your path lies and which way you swing

If you have courage to look.

And you'll see that it's all for the best

That you wait to learn what you are

And that time is in your best interest

Before that truth that may scar.

****

Blaise: So you're not telling me.

****

JKR: Nope. Wait until Book Seven.

****

Blaise: Oh, fine. That'll be out in what … one year? Two?

****

JKR: Uh … sure.

(Blaise leaves.)

****

JKR: Oooo! A new chapter of Around the House with the Dark Lord is up!

****

Scene Three

(Seventy years in the future. Old Blaise goes tottering out to the mailbox, followed by Old Millicent and Old Malcolm.)

****

Old Blaise: It's here! It's here!

****

Old Millicent: Oh, hurry and open it!

(Old Blaise pulls the package out of the mailbox and unwraps it. It's a book, titled "Harry Potter and the Really Great Way to Earn Money By Saying that the Series Will Only Be Seven Books Long and then Dragging Them Out to Over Twenty Books, but I Really Really Really Promise This Time That This is the Last One.")

****

Old Millicent: Wow, it sounds fascinating.

****

Old Malcolm: Quick, skip to the end!

(Old Blaise skips to the end of the book. They all three read the last page.)

****

Old Blaise: Well.

****

Old Millicent: That's interesting.

****

Old Malcolm: I don't get it.

****

Old Blaise: I'm not sure what this means.

****

Old Millicent: It sure answers the question if you're a boy or a girl, Blaise.

****

Old Blaise: I suppose.

****

Old Malcolm: Huh. Well then, Blaise, I guess you'll be marrying –

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)

*

(Oops. Did that curtain fall before the end of the parody? Well, let's try that again...)

****

Old Blaise: I suppose.

****

Old Malcolm: Huh. Well, then, Blaise, I guess you'll be marrying -

*

Would you look at that! It happened a second time. Ah well. Some things are just meant to be mysteries.

This parody was brought to you by the letters X and D, which when put together make some random webspeak symbol which I have never understood. Oh, and thanks to Webba for letting me use her Around the House series - ... Go read, it's very funny.


	10. RENT

**Disclaimer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Summary**: Professor Sprout has a crush on the new DADA professor - never mind that he's a bit hairy once a month.  And Percy Weasley is forced to make a choice between Penelope and Oliver.  Featuring a simply stunning duet by the Weasley Twins.  Some slash.  A parody of the rock-musical "Rent," written by Jonathan Larson, based on the Puccini opera "La Boheme."

**RENT**

**Act One, Scene One**

(Hogwarts, during Harry's 3rd year.  Students are filing into the Great Hall for the Opening Feast.)

Professors(singing to "Seasons of Love"):

_Yet another year of 600 students_

_Look, I do believe that 600 kiddies are here_

_God, why's it always been 600 students?_

_Welcome to Hogwarts!  It's a new year._

_A Spinnet, a Pritchard_

_A Witby, __Clearwater__ too.___

_A Bulstrode, a Midgen_

_An Abbott, a Wood._

_A-nother year of 600 students_

_Wait to be Sorted, as all students should._

_It's Gryffindor …_

_It's Slytherin …_

_It's Hufflepuff …_

_It's Ravenclaw …_

_It's another year of 600 students_

_God, I hate teaching – why am I here?_

(Dumbledore arrives at the head table)

Dumbledore: So …

McGonagall: You missed it, Albus.  We already sang.

Dumbledore: Dang.  Reprise?

McGonagall: No.

(The students take their seats)

Oliver: Mind if I sit here?

Percy: Oh.  Er.  I don't know…

Oliver: Perce, she's got to know sometime.

Percy: Well, that's the thing –

Oliver: What?

Percy:  I kind of like you both.

Oliver: Oh.  That complicates things, doesn't it?

Percy:  Yeah.  Maybe I can just trade you back and forth for a bit?  Kind of like a time share sort of arrangement.

Oliver:  She gets you mornings, I get you afternoons?  Well … I don't know …

(Meanwhile, back at the Head Table…)

Sprout: Minerva, have you seen the new DADA professor?

McGonagall: Yes, his name is Remus Lupin.  He was a student with James Potter and Sirius Black.  Best friends with them, to tell the truth.  It's a bit suspicious him teaching here this year, as Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban and to the best of our knowledge is trying to kill Harry Potter, but for some reason Albus trusts him implicitly. 

Sprout:  He's awfully cute.

McGonagall:  If you like them with fleas, yes.

Dumbledore:  Students, welcome to Hogwarts.  May I remind you all that this is a wonderful place to live, learn, and, should any of you desire, sing.  You'll find that we here all appreciate a good song or two, so feel free when walking down the hallways or in the middle of class, should you feel the irrepressible urge to break into musical splendour, go ahead and let your lovely voice shine!  Just make sure I'm around to hear it.  Thank you.

(The students leave the hall, followed by all the teachers but two.  The two stand very very very very very very very very close to each other.  It's a bit spooky.)

Lupin:  Professor Sprout, a word?

Sprout:  Yes, Professor?

Lupin:  I'm told that you run the greenhouses here.  I don't suppose you could supply me with Mandrakes next month?

Sprout:  Of course, Professor.

(Sprout exits, with Lupin following)

**Scene Two**

(Gryffindor Common Room.  Fred and George are alone)

Fred:  So if we …

George:  Yes … yes, I see ..

Fred:  And then we …

George: Of course!  I agree.

(Penelope crawls in through the door.  Fred and George glare at her.)

Fred:  Don't you have your own common room?

Penelope:  I'm here to meet Percy.

George:  I thought he liked Oliver this week.

Penelope:  No, we're trading every morning and afternoon.

Fred:  Ah.  Well then.

(He and George get up and leave.  Penelope sits on one of the fluffy couches, tapping her foot.  Oliver enters)

Oliver: Oh.  You.

Penelope:  What are you doing here?

Oliver:  Well, it is my common room …

Penelope:  It's morning, and it's _my_ time with Percy, thank you!

Oliver:  Oh yeah?  I don't see him around anywhere.

Penelope:  He's … studying!

Oliver:  Ah.

Penelope (singing to "Tango: Maureen"):

_This is nuts._

Oliver:

_It's__ nuts._

Penelope:

_Really nuts.___

Oliver:

_Holy nuts.___

Penelope:

_He's in there working on some report_

_I've been waiting right here_

_For what seems like a year_

_And I have to wait while with his consort._

Oliver:

_It's sad but it's true_

_He loves me and you_

_I've got wit, you're the bit_

_He does need._

Penelope:

_Why are you here?_

Oliver:

_'Cause let's face it – he's queer!_

_And we're dancing the Tango Percy._

_The Tango Percy_

_He keeps changing the way that he swings_

_Study with Penelope_

Penelope:

_More than study!_

Oliver:

_Then a candlelight dinner with me!_

Penelope:

_Ugh!_

Oliver:

_You think he's the one_

_He's dreaming of – Hon,_

_Neither of us are getting his ring_

_He can't show either of us mercy_

_Not Tango Percy.oly _

Penelope: I don't understand why I have to share him with you anyway.  Why are you so okay with this?

Oliver:  Who said I was?

Penelope:  You mean … you're not?

Oliver:  Heck no.

Penelope:  What the hell?  Let's just put it to an ultimatum – he's got to pick one or the other of us.

Oliver:  Okay.

(Percy enters)

Percy: Oliver … Penelope!

Penelope:  Percy, we've had it.  You can't share us anymore.

Oliver:  Yeah.  You have to pick one or the other of us.

Percy:  Uh – but I love you both. 

Penelope:  Sorry, Perce.  But no kisses until you figure out who you want!

(Penelope and Oliver leave the room, sashaying as they go)

Percy:  Well, that blows.

**Scene Three**

(The greenhouses.  Fred & George continue to work on their parchment.)

George:  But what about …

Fred:  No, see, we take care of that with this…

George:  Oh, right.  But here …

Fred:  Well, that's a problem, yes.

(Remus Lupin enters)

Lupin:  Have you boys seen Professor Sprout anywhere?

George:  Why would she be here?

Lupin: Well … these are the greenhouses … and she does teach Herbology …

Fred:  Oh, fine, if you have to be technical about it.

(The twins get up and leave.  Sprout appears from the back of the greenhouse.)

Lupin: Professor, I've been looking for you.

Sprout:  H-h-have you?

Lupin:  Yes … I've been meaning to ask you a question?

Sprout:  I … of course … Remus!

(She begins to fan herself)

Lupin:  Yes … Professor … Tell me … are your Mandrakes ready for me?

Sprout: (shouting) Yes, oh yes!

(Very long pause)

Sprout:  Er.  That's not quite what you meant, is it?

Lupin: Not exactly, no.

Sprout:  I'll just … go over here now.

Lupin:  Wait … Professor … are you saying what I think you're saying?

Sprout:  Oh, Remus!

Lupin: Wait … Sprout … there's something you don't quite know about me…

Lupin (singing to "I Should Tell You"):

_I should tell you I've a secret_

_If you knew it, you'd run screaming_

Sprout:

_Don't tell me then, you can keep it_

_To yourself, it has no meaning._

_Just don't tell me._

Lupin:

_I should tell you._

Sprout:

_Please don't tell me._

Lupin:

_I should tell you._

_I should tell I can't touch silver_

_Full moons make my hair grow_

_Ev'ry__ month I am a monster_

_Werewolves are quite real you know._

_So I've told you._

Sprout:

_So you've told me._

Lupin:

_So I've told you._

Sprout:

_So you've told me._

Lupin:

_I can tell this is the ending_

_Of whatever romance had a chance_

_From the look that you are sending_

_You don't want into my pants._

_I'll just go now_

Sprout:

_Please don't go now._

Lupin:

_I'll just go now._

Sprout:

_Please don't…_

(He leaves)

Sprout:  Oh, bother.  Why are all the cute ones gay, taken, or werewolves?

**Act Two, Scene One**

(Hallway at Hogwarts.  Groups of students walk together.)

Students (singing to "La Vie Boheme"):

_To handcrafted wands made in Diagon Alley_

_To dragons, to Draco, to unicorns with fleas.___

_To forests, to giants, to magic lakes and squids_

_To cauldrons, to potions, to hairy arachnids.___

(Dumbledore appears)

Dumbledore:  Good morning!  Did I hear singing?

Students:  Er, no.

Dumbledore:  Ah. Well.  Maybe tomorrow.

Students:  Probably not.

(Percy enters, looking fairly forlorn)

Dumbledore:  Mr Weasley!  You look delightfully glum today.  Don't suppose that's going to inspire you into some lost love dirge or some such thing?

Percy:  No, sir.  I don't think I could manage it today.

Dumbledore:  Not even a musical treatise on the thickness of cauldron bottoms?

Percy:  Afraid not, sir.  My girlfriend has left me.

Dumbledore:  Ah.

Percy:  My boyfriend, too.

Dumbledore:  That is a bother, indeed.

Percy:  Yeah.  They didn't much approve of me double-timing them.

Dumbledore:  They seldom do, you know.

Percy:  So I'm not much in the mood to sing today.  But I think there was a Ravenclaw in the library who found a book she wanted – maybe she'll want to sing for you.

Dumbledore:  Such a good boy you are, Mr Weasley!

(Dumbledore goes to the library.  Percy sighs heavily)

Percy:  Oh … woe is me …

(Oliver and Penelope enter.  Their arms are around each other.)

Oliver:  Why … Pen!  Look!  It's Percy!

Penelope:  Oh, Ol, he looks awful sad.

Oliver:  Doesn't he.

Penelope:  Shouldn't we cheer him up?

Oliver:  Mmmm … nah!

(Oliver and Penelope leave again.  Percy wails in defeat, as Remus Lupin enters the hall)

Lupin: Er … Mr Weasley?

Percy:  Oh.  Professor.  Do me a favour, won't you? 

Lupin:  Er … Well …

Percy:  Kill me, life ain't worth living.  The two people I love most in the world have decided to abandon me.

Lupin:  Love is overrated anyway.

Percy:  How can you say that?  You've just never had anyone love you before.

Lupin:  That's the problem.  I've got someone who claims to love me – but I've got a small disability I don't think they'd appreciate.

Percy:  The lycanthropy, you mean?

Lupin: How'd you know about that?

Percy:  I'm Percy Weasley, I know everything.

Lupin: I'm not exactly sure how …

Percy (singing to "Take Me or Leave Me"):

_Love's the greatest thing_

_You can ever find_

_It makes your heart sing_

_It comforts your mind_

_I'll love anyone I can_

_Whether it's woman or man_

_Who cares_

_As long as I'm not drunk!_

_So don't pout_

_Just 'cause it's Sprout_

_She's more loyal than you thunk!_

_She'll scratch you behind the ear_

_She'll check you for lice_

_And if you truly cared_

_You'd go back and be nice._

_She says she loves you_

_You should give her a chance_

_Love makes the skies blue_

_Love puts you in a trance._

_Why would you give that up?_

_Just 'cause you're furry once a month_

_Lupin_

_You are really off track._

_So puh-leaze_

_Get down on your knees_

_Beg her to take you back._

_She'll scratch you behind the ear_

_She'll check you for lice_

_And if you truly cared_

_You'd go back and be nice._

Lupin:  You're right, you're right.  Gotta go – bye!

(Lupin exits)

Percy:  Fat lot of help you were!

**Scene Two**

(Hogwarts Library)

Fred:  So, we see that by …

George:  Oh, I've got it now!  That makes loads of sense.

Fred:  Do you agree?

George:  Indubitably.

(They shake hands.  Dumbledore enters.)

Dumbledore:  Hullo, boys!

Fred:  Gah!  Can't a guy get some peace anywhere?

George:  Fred, we're done planning.

Fred:  Oh, right.  Hi, Headmaster.  Can we help you?

Dumbledore:  Well … you _could_ sing.

Fred:  Oh no.  Not in the library.  We'll get detention.

George:  And we've got detentions until the millennium.

Fred:  Assuming that we're going by the Lexicon calendar and that this is 1993, of course.

George:  Which means we've got seven years of detention.

Fred:  Assuming we're going by the general definition of the millennium being the year 2000.

George:  And not 2001, as that's when the new century _really_ begins.

Dumbledore:  Right.  How about I cancel all your detentions if you sing me a song?

Fred & George:  You're on!

Dumbledore:  Excellent.

Fred & George (singing to "Santa Fe"):

_Let's open up a magic store in gay Paree_

_With fancy girls and loud bells on the door_

_With tricks and jokes and noisy blasts you'll see_

_Our sales and hopes and prospects'll surely soar._

Fred:

_You're a genius, this is grand_

_We'll have all __Paris__ in our hands_

_They'll be begging us for magic tricks all day._

George:

_You'll sell our funny wares_

_I'll check out girls' derrieres_

_And we'll have no trouble getting a good lay._

Fred & George:

_Let's open up a magic store in gay Paree_

_That's truly the city that's meant for us._

_Just one problem – hope __Paris__ ain't gay 'cause we_

_Are straight and intend to stay that way, no fuss._

Dumbledore:  That's wonderful, boys, thank you!

Fred:  Now, about those detentions?

Dumbledore:  What detentions?

George:  Headmaster, lovely doing business with you.  Have a Canary Cream.

**Scene Three**

(The Greenhouses.  Sprout is re-potting something green and scaly as Lupin enters.)

Lupin:  Professor?

Sprout:  Oh!  Remus … I … didn't expect you to come back.

Lupin:  I needed some space to think.  But I've decided … that … well …

(He sits next to her.)

Sprout (singing to "I'll Cover You"):

_In my greenhouse_

_I sit and I garden_

_I need no more_

_Than this in my life.___

_Simple pleasures, treasures to me.___

Lupin:

_I'll sit with you_

_Pour on the topsoil_

_Water the pansies_

_And be with you_

_Treasures a-plenty when you are with me_

_It's kinda nifty being with you._

Lupin & Sprout:

_Who cares what will happen_

_To the world not contained here_

_You're all I need to gladden_

_And drive away the tears_

_My dear – sit with me._

Lupin:

_You'll be my pot and I'll be your soil._

Sprout:

_No, you'll be my stem and I'll be your petals._

Lupin & Sprout:

_So we'll sit here and garden_

_And rest with each other_

_So we'll sit here and garden_

_And rest with each other_

_So we'll sit here and garden_

_And rest with each other_

_Treasures to me…_

**Scene Four**

(Gryffindor Common Room.  Percy sits on a couch, with empty Ben and Jerry's pints of Chunky Monkey ice cream all around him.)

Percy:  Woe is me.  I shall have to drown my sorrows in very expensive and yummy Vermont ice cream that is free of Bovine Growth Hormone and donates money to good causes.  Sniff.

(Oliver and Penelope enter)

Oliver:  Percy?  What are you doing?

Percy:  Drowning my sorrows.  Go away.

Penelope:  Percy, it's not going to help you if you keep eating Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Percy:  Fine then.  Hand me the Cherry Garcia.

Oliver:  Perce, we're only trying to help.

Percy (singing to "What You Own", which is also known as "Living in America"):

_Don't look back now_

_You've left my life._

_Broken my heart_

_Left my mind in strife_

_You've got your hearts_

_Well and intact_

_Go away_

Oliver:

_Just one of his acts…_

Percy:

_I'm lonely here in Gryffindor_

_With my lovers ganging up on me_

_I'm lonely here in Gryffindor_

_I'll just sit here and bemoan_

_And when you're lonely and in Gryffindor_

_With no friends to keep you on your feet_

_I'm all alone._

Penelope:

_You strung us along like toys_

Oliver:

_You sent our heads in a whirl_

Penelope:

_One day you liked boys_

Oliver:

_The next day you liked girls._

Penelope:

_You kissed and tried swinging sideways_

_You nearly drove us insane._

Oliver:

_But we have learned_

_We like the game._

Percy, Penelope & Oliver:

_So we're all here in Gryffindor_

_What was one is now a three_

_We're all here in Gryffindor_

_No need to keep our hearts on loan_

_'Cause when we're all here in Gryffindor_

_And it's you and you and then it's me – _

_We're not alone!_

_We're not alone!_

(And thankfully … the curtain falls.)


	11. Oklahoma

**Disclaimer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.   The original lyrics and music to "Oklahoma!" were written by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, based upon the play "Green Grow the Lilacs" by Lynn Riggs.  One joke was blatantly stolen from the Simpsons – ten points to those who know which one.

**Summary**: Harry has at last defeated Voldemort, and the wizarding world rejoices –  that is, almost all of them.  Professor Flitwick finds love in an unusual place, and Fawkes the phoenix makes a new friend.  Featuring an amazing bit of vocal work by Lucius Malfoy.  A parody of the musical "Oklahoma!"

**Oklahoma****!**

**Act One, Scene One**

(Surrey, sometime after Harry's seventh year when he's finally defeated Voldemort and JKR's books are finished.  Wizards celebrate in the background, while Lucius Malfoy stands center stage in the spotlight)

Lucius (singing to "Pore Jud"):

_Pore Tom is daid_

_Lord Voldy-mort is daid_

_Harry smote him good and we are free_

_There's nothing of him left_

_'Cept the wand that Peter kept_

_And he was to have given that to me._

_Our leader's dead_

_Our world's turned upon its head_

_None of us can quite believe he's gone_

_Death Eaters run amok_

_I think Avery stole a truck_

_And tried to drive it into __Loch__ Loman.___

_Poor Tom … poor Tom._

(Someone runs up behind Lucius and steals the pimp cane, and then runs off again.  Lucius sighs heavily.)

Lucius:  That was my favorite cane, too.

(Petunia Dursley enters, looking very cross)

Petunia:  Scat!  All of you, scat!  You're trampling my lawn!

Lucius:  Pardon me, madam.  I would never want to destroy _your_ garden.

Petunia:  All these horrible … wizards!  I thought when Harry finally left that blasted school and came of age we'd be done with him!

Lucius:  Nope, sorry.  Privet Drive is going to turn into a shrine to Harry Potter.  Tours every Monday through Friday on the hour, and on Saturday by appointment.

Petunia:  How much are they charging?

Lucius:  Five quid, I think.  You get twenty percent of the profits.

Petunia:  Well then!

**Scene Two**

(Hogwarts.  Fawkes sits in Dumbledore's office, sighing)

Fawkes:  Caw, caw.

(Which translates to:  Merlin, I'm bored.  I haven't had any fun since Tom Riddle was killed by Harry Potter way back in the Chamber of Secrets.  I need some excitement in my life.)

(Hedwig flies into the room, with a letter tied to her leg)

Hedwig:  Hoot?

(Which translates to:  Have you seen Dumbledore anywhere?  I have a very important message for him from Petunia Dursley, who is accepting wizard tourists in her home and wants advice on spells that will keep her floors clean so she can spend more time taking tickets and less time keeping the house spotless.)

Fawkes:  Caw.  Caw caw caw caw caw, caw caaaaaw caw cawwwwwwwaw.

(Which translates to:  Listen, can't you see that I'm busy?  I'm sitting here moping about how my life used to be more interesting.  I don't know where my master is and I don't particularly care.)

Hedwig:  Hoot hoot hoot!

(Which translates to:  Huh.  I thought phoenixes were supposed to be very loyal to their masters.)

Fawkes:  Caw.

(Which translates to:  Loyalty is one thing.  Day-planners with wings are another thing entirely.)

Hedwig:  Hoot.  Hoot hoot hoot?

(Which translates to:  Well, that's just fine.  Untie the letter and I'll get out of your hair.  Or feathers.  Or whatever.)

Fawkes:  Caw!  Caw caw caw?

(Which translates to:  You idiot!  Can't you see I don't have fingers to untie anything?)

Hedwig:  Hoot hooooooooot hooooooooot hoooot!

(Which translates to:  Well, escuuuuuuuuuuuse me for living!)

Hedwig (singing …er, hooting to "Surrey with the Fringe on Top"):

_Hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot hoo-hoo-hoot hoot_

_Hoot hoot ho-hoot hoot hoo-hoo-hoot hoot_

_Hoot hoot hoot ho-hoot hoo-hoo-hoot hoot_

_Hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot_

(Which translates to:

_You're a sorry excuse for a birdie_

_Not cheery, chirping, you're rather surly_

_You make me want to go hurly_

_Or at least get ripped._

_I think you need a change of pace_

_Get out of here and find a new place_

_Can you even fly with some sort of grace?_

_Or have your wings been clipped?_

_You're so bored here, you need a change_

_You should go flying with me_

_I've got some places we can go_

_Have you ever been by the sea?_)__

Fawkes:

_Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw_

_Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw_

_Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw_

_Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw_

(Which translates to:

_Well, aren't you a pesky white little thing?_

_If I had hands I'd your neck wring_

_Look!  You've even made me sing_

_That's all I need!_

_Well fine – I'll follow you to the skies_

_Maybe see something new with tired eyes_

_Or drop some stuff on nicely dressed guys_

_Boy, that'd be sweet!_)

(Fawkes and Hedwig fly off.)

**Scene Three**

(Opening Day of the Harry Potter Childhood Home and Museum.  Petunia is collecting tickets.)

Petunia:  All right, all right, don't shove, you'll all get in.  For an extra fifty shillings you get to spend two minutes in Harry's cupboard, and for an extra pound, Harry's Uncle Vernon will shout in your face!

Flitwick:  Oh, I can't wait … I've always wanted to see Harry's home!

(Flitwick gets to the front of the line.  He hands his ticket to Petunia … and as their hands touch, everything stops.  It's like they are the only two people in the world, and that every thing they have done before has only led them to this moment in time, when they at last realize – )

Petunia:  Wow.  You're really short.

Flitwick:  You're really thin.

Petunia:  You're annoying.

Flitwick:  You're rude.

Petunia:  Go away, little man, you don't deserve me.

Flitwick:  Fine, didn't want you anyway.

(Flitwick turns to go, but looks back)

Flitwick:  My – what a woman!

Petunia: Short … but kind of cute …

(Vernon enters, brushing bird droppings off his coat)

Vernon:  Damn birds!  I swear there was a white owl who aimed at me!  Petunia, why are all these people in cloaks wandering about?

Petunia:  There's a Renaissance Festival this week, dear.

Vernon:  Oh, all right then.  As long as they're not wizards.

(All the wizards hide their wands behind their backs.  Vernon exits.  Flitwick goes back to Petunia.)

Flitwick:  That's your husband, that great big lug?

Petunia:  Yes.

Flitwick:  I'm better than him ten times over.

Petunia:  I'm sure you think you are.

Flitwick:  You really ought to dump him and run away with me.

Petunia:  Oh, fat chance!

Flitwick (singing to "Oh What a Beautiful Morning"):

_You're such a beautiful flower_

_You're the light that brightens my dreams_

_I know you put up a fierce front_

_You're not as harsh as you seem._

Petunia:

_All the magic you've got won't convince me_

_That I'm better off loving you_

_You're still rather short and I don't like your sort_

_So just go on talking 'til your face is blue._

Flitwick:

_Petunia you're my one true love_

_All I want is you by my side._

Petunia:

_Just stop talking I'll never listen!_

Flitwick:

_Wait!  Isn't short better than wide?_

(Petunia dumps the box of ticket stubs over onto Flitwick's head and exits into the house.  Flitwick sighs happily)__

Flitwick:  Ah!  It is love!

(He turns to the wizard next to him – who happens to be Snape.)

Flitwick:  She wants me.

Snape:  In your dreams, little man!

Flitwick:  We'll just see about that!

(He falls asleep where he stands.)

**Scene Four**

(That night, in the Dursley's bedroom)

Vernon:  Petunia, have you seen my toothbrush?

Petunia:  It's right next to the toothpaste dear.

Vernon:  Right.  Well, I'll be glad for this weekend when we won't have those cloaked weird people running around the house any longer.  There've been a lot of weird birds too – a big red one that looked like a phoenix has been following me all day.

Petunia:  Remember we've got the great big party to go to Saturday night.

Vernon:  Drat.  You're going with me, right?

Petunia:  Yes, Vernon, of course I am.

Vernon:  All right then.

(Vernon falls asleep and begins to snore.  Very loudly.)

Petunia (singing to "Out of My Dreams"):

_He's still sort of short_

_But __Vernon__'s got warts_

_And smells of rice.___

_Can't believe I'm thinking _

_That a wizard would be nice!_

_I must need sleep_

_I'm in this too deep_

_For explanation_

_When the lights are out_

_And sleep is close at hand_

_Flitwick's the one who comes_

_Into my own Dreamland_

(And we enter … the Dream Ballet!  Petunia goes skipping through the forest.  Little squirrels and deer follow her down the lane.  Flitwick appears and hands her flowers)

Dream Flitwick:  For you, my dear!

Dream Petunia:  Why thank you, Flitwick!

(They go skipping down the lane together.  Suddenly, thunder shakes the stage.  Big evil Dream Vernon appears)

Dream Vernon:  No!  Magic is bad!  Boring is good!  The square of the hypotenuse is twice the amount of the other sides put together!

(Dream Hedwig and Dream Fawkes swoop in, pick Vernon up with their talons, and carry him away.  Dream Petunia and Dream Flitwick continue to skip into the sunset as Petunia wakes up.)

Vernon:  Snore snore snore SNORK snore.

Petunia:  Sigh.

**Act Two, Scene One**

(The Party.  There's a big sign that says 'Congratulations Harry and Hope Your Spine Heals Real Soon')

McGonagall:  Ah, everyone, come on in, come on in.  So glad to see you.  Welcome to the party.  Thank you so much for coming!

(Lucius Malfoy enters with Peter Pettigrew behind him)

Lucius:  I can't believe I'm attending this thing.

Peter:  Keeping up appearances.  No hard feelings and all that.

Lucius:  Whatever.  Go get me a drink, Peter.

Peter:  Shirley Temple?

Lucius:  Please.

(The Weasley Twins enter)

Fred:  Got the vodka, George?

George:  Lead me to the punch bowl, brother!

(Flitwick enters with Severus Snape)

Snape:  Dammit.  I've been in how many blasted parodies already?  Do I really have to be in another one?

Flitwick:  I promise, Severus, you don't have to sing in this one.

Snape:  I better not.

(Petunia and Vernon enter)

Vernon:  Petunia … why is everyone wearing robes?  Is this a pajama party?

Petunia:  Er … yes.

Vernon:  Blast it, Petunia!  I would have worn my feetie pajamas.

(Petunia and Vernon go to the refreshment table.  Flitwick tugs on Snape's sleeve)

Flitwick: There she is!  Isn't she beautiful?

Snape:  Never though of you as an equestrian, Filius.

Flitwick:  I have to go talk to her.

(Flitwick goes to Petunia)

Petunia:  Oh, not you again.

Flitwick:  I can't believe you came to the party with HIM.

Petunia:  Well, I am sort of married to him.

Flitwick:  I'm much better for you.  There are times that short is an advantage.

Petunia:  Watch it, buddy, this is a PG-rated parody.

(Lucius and Peter run into Petunia while carrying their Shirley Temples)

Lucius:  Egad!  A Muggle!  Peter, kill it!

Flitwick:  Hey!  Muggles aren't all bad!

Lucius:  Why do I feel a song coming on?

Flitwick (singing to "The Farmer and the Cowman"):

_The Muggle and the Wizard should be friends_

_Yes, the Muggle and the Wizard should be friends_

_One man likes to raise a wand_

_The other runs until it's gone_

_But that's no reason why they can't be friends._

_We should really try to like another_

_There isn't any reason not to share_

_England__'s big enough for everyone here_

_You just gotta try to keep outta their hair!_

Arthur Weasley:

_I'd like to say a word for the Muggles_

_They always try to make themselves better_

_They make all sorts of things to wash their dishes_

Peter:

_Maybe that's why they're always getting wetter._

Mr and Mrs Granger:

_We'd like to say a word about the Wizards_

_They're not half as scary as some would think_

_You can have 'em in your house or car or garden_

Mr Granger:

_But just don't ask if they would like a drink._

Luicus: I resent that.

Flitwick:  Especially as Vernon's drunk the entire bowl of punch over there.

Fred & George:  Uh-oh.

Vernon (to McGonagall):  Ooo, you're a pretty puss.

McGonagall:  You have no idea.

Petunia:  Vernon!

Vernon:  Sorry, Petunia.  I'm going to take this sweet young kitty with me.  Find your own way home, sweetcheeks.

(Vernon tosses McGonagall over his shoulder and exits)

Flitwick:  Well, Petunia …

Petunia:  I am SO not going home with you.

(Petunia leaves)

Snape:  Well, Filius, I would say it's on to Plan B.

Flitwick:  I don't have a Plan B.

Snape: Find one then.  And it better not involve me singing.

**Scene Two**

(Privet Drive.  Flitwick sits under Petunia's window, a guitar in his hand, yodeling.  Petunia sticks her head out the window)

Flitwick:  Good morning, my lovely sweet!

Petunia:  Flitwick!  It's three o'clock in the morning!

Flitwick:  Time has no meaning if I cannot be with you!  Has your husband come home?

Petunia:  Er … no.

Flitwick:  Well then … shall I serenade you with a song?

Petunia:  Do I have a choice?

Flitwick:  Not really.

Petunia:  Get on with it, then.

Flitwick (singing – badly – to "All Er Nuthin'"):

_Petunia I adore thee_

_You're the one who's meant for me_

_I need you here with me_

_For all eternity_

_If you think about it you'll agree_

_Marry me so soon dear_

_I'll take you out for some beer_

_No more will __Vernon__ leer_

_They won't think that I am queer_

_Our children together we will rear …_

Petunia:  Stop!  Stop!  I'll marry you if you only STOP SINGING.

Flitwick:  Yippee!

**Scene Three**

(Hogwarts, several months later.  Petunia and Flitwick sit next to each other and hold hands, all doe-eyed and lovey-dovey.  Fawkes and Hedwig are curled up on the bird stand nearby.)

Dumbledore:  Well, that's just lovely.  Everything ended happily for everyone but me.

Snape:  And Vernon.

Dumbledore:  Oh, right.  Pity about he and McGonagall.

Snape:  I hear those sorts of things take a while to heal.

Dumbledore:  He won't be leaving St Mungo's anytime soon, that's for certain.

Snape:  Well, I suppose I got out of this one without having to sing.  That's something at least.

Dumbledore:  And I didn't get a single musical interlude.

Snape:  That is the best part!

Petunia:  Ah, Flitty, I'm so happy.

Flitwick:  As am I, my little petal blossom.

Hedwig:  Hoot hoot.

(Which translates to "I'm so happy.)

Fawkes:  Caw caw.

(Which translates to "Me too.")

Snape:  Well, I guess that's it.

Dumbledore:  No, wait!  Do you hear that, Severus?

(Severus listens for a moment, and goes pale.  There is the distant sound of a musical interlude coming on.)

Snape:  Oh, hell.

Flitwick (singing to "Oklahoma!"):

_Oh, Petunia!_

_She's the one who's clearly meant for me_

_Even though I'm small_

_And she's quite tall_

_She sends my heart to ecstasy!_

_Oh, Petunia!_

_I'm so happy to be by your side_

_It's you I adore_

_And not Dumbledore_

_And you like short better than wide!_

All:

_She once made Harry's life pure hell_

_But since then, we all think she's swell_

_She does a mean clean_

_She'd the best we've seen – keen!_

_All we're saying_

Flitwick:

_You've got your own kind of magic_

_Petunia Dursley-Flitwick!_

Petunia:

_Oh, Filius_

_I was such a silly fool before_

_Magic ain't so bad_

_Now that I've had_

_You to charm me right out the door!_

_Oh, Filius_

_You've shown me the error of my ways_

_I don't really hate my sis_

_'Cause she had all this_

_Now that with you I get to share my days._

All:

_He's such a short little man_

_But with a good wand in his hand_

_The feathers fly – high!_

_Up to the sky – why?_

_When you're saying _Wingardium Leviosa_!_

Petunia:

_Mr Flitwick, my man!_

Dumbledore:  Yay!  I got my musical interlude, and I didn't even have to ask!

Snape:  Oh, shut it.

All:

_This is the end that we've craved_

_Now that the world Harry's saved_

_We can sing – YAY!_

_Is Dumbledore listn'ning?  DAMN._

_Maybe next time._

Snape:

_Well, when's the curtain gonna fall?_

All:

_Thanks for reading; that's all!_

(And thankfully … the curtain falls.)


End file.
